Once Upon a Time...
I should explain what happened. As honestly as I can. Some things no one knows...I'm tired of keeping secrets for him and from me.
Ex and I were in love. We connected almost immediately. We wanted the same things, we had similar views of the world, we had things we could teach each other. We moved in together in November, after dating seven months. We had been in love forever. We ran our house like a well-oiled machine. We were great partners.
But we fought. And as time passed, our fights became more and more vicious. He called me a "bitch." On two separate occasions. I told him I need a "real man," the implication being that he wasn't one. He has turned my words spoken in tenderness against me. I often disregarded his entire argument with sarcasm. We yelled...a lot.
The fight rarely stayed on the topic that brought it up in the first place. It turned into a fight about patterns of behavior, character flaws, modes of (mis)communication. The good thing was the fights never lasted long. By the next day, we were always all right. We always got back to the initial issue and resolved it.
Our problem wasn't that we had issues, but that we didn't know how to communicate them to each other. We agreed that we needed help from an outside source. We agreed to fly to another city and attend a relationship workshop.
Oh...a residual effect of all the fighting was that our sex life was not stellar. The times that we did have sex it was great, but there was no more passion. Ex told me he wasn't attracted to my body type (I didn't have enough ass). He said I didn't dress feminine enough. He said the all the fighting left him in the mood-less.
I did not suffer from this at all. I was always hot for Ex. He's got skin the color of mocha mixed with the red clay of Alabama. He is lean, tight...taut. I was very satisfied. So what if he was proud of the fact that he still owned sweaters from when he was in college? We had different fashion sense, so what? It's what's underneath the clothes that counts.
But of course the lack of sex drive became my issue...how could it not? I could tell that he wanted me less and less. Our sex became about saying we've had sex than about Ex actually wanting to touch me. I became more timid, in and out of bed.
This summer, he went away for work. I told him I was tired of doing all the work for a problem that wasn't mine. Ex said he would see a therapist while away.
The result of his therapy was the realization that he needed a relationship with more peace. That the frequency of the fighting was too much. "The best relationship he ever had" (Ex's direct quote) wasn't good enough. We never made it to that relationship workshop.
He told me all this on the phone and in one long email.
He came home and it was like the break-up never happened. We said we were broken up all the time. We certainly didn't act like it. I don't remember the last time we had sex that hot.
Then I found out about Her.
I had inklings of Her well before I truly found out about Her. When I had seen him in July, he was distant in a whole new way. I went to check my email on his laptop and found Her name typed in as the last person at that website.
So how did I find out the whole truth? I went through his Sent Items folder in his email. It is by far the lowest thing I have ever done. Friends tell me it's understandable considering what I'm going through, but that doesn't help me forgive myself.
I saw so many things in his email:
The walls of the fantasy world crumbled right in front of me. I felt like my guts were being scooped out of me. It was over.
The truth came out. He told me Her was another ex-girlfriend. Ex reconnected with Her while he was still away. She was more peaceful. They could have difficult conversations without raising their voices. He told me that Her had nothing to do with me. "I decided to break up with you on a Sunday. I called her afterward."
But Ex actually told me of his decision on a Wednesday, so he talked to Her before he told me the truth.
It became one of our vicious fights. He called me "stupid." I called him "dumb." He compared me to Her. It was over.
He still wants to be friends...I want to be his friend. It hurts. It hurts when I don't talk to him. It hurts when I do. God, it's over.
Ex and I were in love. We connected almost immediately. We wanted the same things, we had similar views of the world, we had things we could teach each other. We moved in together in November, after dating seven months. We had been in love forever. We ran our house like a well-oiled machine. We were great partners.
But we fought. And as time passed, our fights became more and more vicious. He called me a "bitch." On two separate occasions. I told him I need a "real man," the implication being that he wasn't one. He has turned my words spoken in tenderness against me. I often disregarded his entire argument with sarcasm. We yelled...a lot.
The fight rarely stayed on the topic that brought it up in the first place. It turned into a fight about patterns of behavior, character flaws, modes of (mis)communication. The good thing was the fights never lasted long. By the next day, we were always all right. We always got back to the initial issue and resolved it.
Our problem wasn't that we had issues, but that we didn't know how to communicate them to each other. We agreed that we needed help from an outside source. We agreed to fly to another city and attend a relationship workshop.
Oh...a residual effect of all the fighting was that our sex life was not stellar. The times that we did have sex it was great, but there was no more passion. Ex told me he wasn't attracted to my body type (I didn't have enough ass). He said I didn't dress feminine enough. He said the all the fighting left him in the mood-less.
I did not suffer from this at all. I was always hot for Ex. He's got skin the color of mocha mixed with the red clay of Alabama. He is lean, tight...taut. I was very satisfied. So what if he was proud of the fact that he still owned sweaters from when he was in college? We had different fashion sense, so what? It's what's underneath the clothes that counts.
But of course the lack of sex drive became my issue...how could it not? I could tell that he wanted me less and less. Our sex became about saying we've had sex than about Ex actually wanting to touch me. I became more timid, in and out of bed.
This summer, he went away for work. I told him I was tired of doing all the work for a problem that wasn't mine. Ex said he would see a therapist while away.
The result of his therapy was the realization that he needed a relationship with more peace. That the frequency of the fighting was too much. "The best relationship he ever had" (Ex's direct quote) wasn't good enough. We never made it to that relationship workshop.
He told me all this on the phone and in one long email.
He came home and it was like the break-up never happened. We said we were broken up all the time. We certainly didn't act like it. I don't remember the last time we had sex that hot.
Then I found out about Her.
I had inklings of Her well before I truly found out about Her. When I had seen him in July, he was distant in a whole new way. I went to check my email on his laptop and found Her name typed in as the last person at that website.
So how did I find out the whole truth? I went through his Sent Items folder in his email. It is by far the lowest thing I have ever done. Friends tell me it's understandable considering what I'm going through, but that doesn't help me forgive myself.
I saw so many things in his email:
- flirtatious emails to a woman he did a business deal with,
- a "good to see you" email to The Ex-girlfriend, the one he says he should have married
The walls of the fantasy world crumbled right in front of me. I felt like my guts were being scooped out of me. It was over.
The truth came out. He told me Her was another ex-girlfriend. Ex reconnected with Her while he was still away. She was more peaceful. They could have difficult conversations without raising their voices. He told me that Her had nothing to do with me. "I decided to break up with you on a Sunday. I called her afterward."
But Ex actually told me of his decision on a Wednesday, so he talked to Her before he told me the truth.
It became one of our vicious fights. He called me "stupid." I called him "dumb." He compared me to Her. It was over.
He still wants to be friends...I want to be his friend. It hurts. It hurts when I don't talk to him. It hurts when I do. God, it's over.
posted by L. Britt @ 4:36 PM
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