Goodbye...Take Two

I posted on my blog after I said I was done. I did it primarily because someone wrote a flattering comment asking me to come back. Who doesn't want to hear that a complete stranger is seeking you out on the Web and doesn't want to stalk you?

But I don't think that I can come back. I started this blog for a specific purpose and I've attained my goal. Ex no longer takes up space in my life. He will always be a part of my memory and time will tell if he becomes part of my life in another capacity. But I've truly exorcised his demon. I rarely talk to him. I never see him. I'm dating a great guy who is SO not Ex. I'm madly in love with my new apartment and I'm happy about it. I'm in such a good place, I've ended my relationship with my therapist. Next month will be my last month with her.

I just don't see the need for this anymore. Maybe someday I'll start another blog with a different goal...but I'm done with this one.

So sorry to tease you with the promise of more posts, but there really isn't any more to say.

Ex Has a Website

Long time no talk to. I said that I would print out this blog and then remove it...but I haven't. I like to read old posts to remind myself of the pain whenever I feel twinges of Ex. Maybe I will destroy it for New Year's.

Like today. I found out that Ex has set up a website for his new business. He didn't tell me that directly of course, I just noticed his email had a new address. His website was something that I would have known about once upon a time. That is something I would have helped him do.

My life is moving on at quite a quick clip. More about that in another post. But aren't I greedy? The fact that his life is doing the same makes me want to reach out to him.

I don't love him anymore, but sometimes I miss him.

I'm Boring Myself

I'm starting to bore myself with this blog. I'm actually getting tired of talking about Ex.

Not only that, but there isn't that much to say. I no longer have to see him and that is empowering, surprisingly so. I thought that when I lived alone I would feel so blue. But it's the complete opposite. I can't wait to come home every night. And when I do see Ex, all he does is tell me how good I look, which is tired because all he wants to do is fuck me and he only wants to do that because he no longer can. My heart strings don't get pulled when he's around.

I'm sure there are still some things that I have to work through with Ex, and I totally reserve the right to go crazy again, but I kinda feel like I want to talk about something else. Which makes me less inclined to talk about that something else on this blog.

I am not witty enough to talk about pop culture and current events in any original way.

I don't really want to talk about the details of my job because it's related to the theatre and that world is just way too small. I know someone who got fired for doing that.

I could turn this blog into a discussion about the purchase of my first apartment, but I don't have any life lessons or secrets of success. I'll leave that to the Rich Dad, Poor Dad guy. I think paint samples and flooring are fascinating, but I doubt any of you who read this agree.

I'm starting to date again very slowly. I'm having a blast! It's a bit anxiety-ridden, but I'm enjoying hanging out with a guy that isn't co-dependent. Again, not something I want to talk about here.

Hmmm...I think this blog has run its course. Thanks to everyone who posted comments, especially that woman from Mexico who was so encouraging.

Feel free to go through the archives to see the Hell that was the last two and a half months of my life. I like to do that every once in a while to see how far I've come...and boy, have I come a long way.

Bye!

The Ex Update

I had no idea it had been so long since I posted. This last week was chock full o' stuff, and the energy and urge to post got directed to other things.

The most important event of the week...no, not Bush winning again. I don't even want to dwell on that sad reality....was that I moved into my new apartment. It happened on Saturday. I had to beg and borrow, but I got out of Ex's house. I actually finished packing on Friday afternoon and was really blue. It didn't help that John Mayer's "Split Screen Sadness" was playing as I did my last walk-through. I could actually believe that I was leaving the place where I thought I was going to spend my life, at least metaphorically.

The next morning Ex helped me move my stuff downstairs to save money and watched me drive away. I started to tear up, but stopped as soon as he said, "There's no need to cry. I'm going to see you later." No need to cry? It just reminded me once again how emotionally crippled he is.

He did actually see me later. Ex took the hour-plus subway ride down to my new neighborhood and became my first visitor. He bought me flowers and a smoke alarm. He said he was jealous of my apartment. He called me the next day and told me that he missed me. I still don't know what to do with that.

How do you feel, Britt? Honestly, I feel really good. I love my apartment, love my neighborhood, and love my apartment some more. I don't feel lonely at all. I have been too busy to miss him and relish the fact that this whole apartment is all for me.

Perhaps when all of my projects are done, it will hit me harder.

There are a lot more weekend adventures, but I'll put them in different posts.

Priorities

Though I'm dealing with a bunch of crap with Ex and moving and a wonderfully crazy new job, I'm not too self-centered to forget that tomorrow is one of the most important days in the recent history of this country.

Everyone who's reading this who lives in the United States, please go out and vote. There is really no excuse not to. It's a decision that is way too important to let personal problems stop you.

Jail

Another Sunday in pain. It was a pretty difficult Saturday. Lots of revelations, lots of deceit. I'm surrounded by cowardly men.

It hurts so much I feel it in my chest, in my heart. Actual physical pain in my heart.

I read my past posts that spoke of letting go and peace and I wonder Who is that woman that felt that way? I know I'll see her again, but I don't have the energy to look for her.

I feel like I'm in jail. A jail that has an open door, but I'm too exhausted to get up and walk out. I don't know what's out there, and though my cell is far from perfect, I have gotten used to it. It's comfortable.

And I'm so tired of looking for a new place to be. I just want to settle into someplace safe. I'm hoping that my new apartment will be that place.

At least Jack and Diane became available on iTunes.

I'm Exhausted

As of 4:00 pm yesterday, I am officially a homeowner. I spent all afternoon Friday running around, going to the bank, walking through the apartment again, eventually ending up at the seller's attorney's office.

I cried when it was all over. People who know me know that this makes complete sense.

I called Ex because he'd be so instrumental in me getting here...and he barely said congratulations. He was preparing for his college's homecoming events. I'm positive that he's with Her.

I'm writing this down, so that I can remember that I said this: Britt, stop talking to him. He does nothing but disappoint me.

This roller coaster called Ex is getting extremely boring. And it's making me tired.

Deja Vu

I had/am having a bit of an anxiety attack. I feel like I've traveled back in time. It's the middle of September and I'm smack dab in the middle of the break-up. Right in the throes of it.

I just came home from the walk-through of almost my apartment in Brooklyn. It was still the same lovely apartment. It was still blissfully quiet on my block. There were still tall ceilings and front lawns across the street and lots of storage space, just like I remembered.

But leaving the apartment, I started to have pangs of regret. By the time I was back in Harlem, I was practically in tears. What have I done? This is a huge mistake. This apartment is just too far away.

Away from what became the question.

As I walked into my current apartment, which is actually Ex's apartment, the answer was, away from him.

I don't want to go. I really don't want to go. I want to stay here until he comes to his senses. I want to unpack my boxes, restock the bookcases. I love Ex and he loves me. He told me so Sunday. That's gotta count for something, right?

Never mind that his love language is totally incomprehensible to me...and that he's completely unwilling or unable to speak mine. Never mind that he didn't just break my heart, but he spit on it. Never mind that he wants me out of his house the day after the closing. Never mind that thousands of my dollars will be lost if I back out of this purchase. Never mind that buying this apartment--on my own, with no financial help--is one of the biggest events of my life.

I just feel like it's September 12th all over again.

The Best Show on Television

It seems like every major event between Ex and I happens on a Sunday. That's why I am so glad that the most uplifting, positive show on TV comes on Sundays at 8:00pm. It's the only reality show that doesn't try to bring out the worst in people, but the best.

"Extreme Makeover Home Edition" finds deserving people all over the country and completely renovates their homes in one week. Sometimes they just knock down a house and start over in one week. There are families that have adopted seven brothers and sisters after the death of their parents, a woman who works with disabled people. They recreated a house for a family who has a daughter that's allergic to the sun. And next week, they're coming to New York to renovate a house left in shambles by a crooked contractor.

This show always makes me feel good...always. I cry and laugh and relish in how cute Ty Pennington is. And it always reminds me that karma is real. Sending out positivity into the world always brings it back to you.

I've Seen Her

I was so close. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was less than one week away from never having to see Ex again if I so chose. Less than one week away of being reminded of the existence of Her. I guess I was so close I got lazy. Life always finds a way of kicking you in your ass.

In the process of extricating myself from this apartment, I found a CD. I can't tell you the name of it because it would definitely make Her a lot less anonymous, and by extension Ex and me less anonymous. Sufficed to say, the CD had her name on it. I put it in my laptop because I am a glutton for punishment. I wanted to hear what message Her would send Ex through song.

It actually wasn't a CD, it was a DVD for a cooking show TV pilot. Starring Her. Come to find out, she's an excellent chef. So good that she can develop a cooking show.

So now I am positive that Ex badmouths me and my lack of culinary sophistication to Her. He'll begin the badmouthing with, "I know it's not cool to talk about ex-girlfriends, but..." I am so sure I would bet money on it. When I was the girlfriend, Ex would do it all the time about the ex before me. And he was brutal. So I am sure Ex and Her sit in fancy restaurants and relish in the fact that he's finally with someone who's as much into food as he is. "Thank God!"

And Her is pretty. I wanted Her to be ugly, but she's not. I tried to make Her ugly all through the show, but she just isn't.

I watched the DVD and wondered: how could this woman love Ex? She seems so together. Did no red flags go up for Her when he called and said, "I want to be with you, Her. I haven't actually broken up with Britt yet, but that's just a technicality."? Did she not think: it's odd that Ex would consider his live-in girlfriend a technicality? Or did she think what every woman thinks: with me he'll be different? Or does Her even know I exist?

So I'm wondering, "How do I feel, Britt?" I don't know, honestly. I feel very sad, but not nearly as sad as I've been in the past. My licensed professional says that I respond most strongly to Her's presence because she is the personification of the real betrayal, Ex's dismissal of the relationship so quickly. So I guess I feel reminded of that betrayal. I also feel envy. I don't necessarily want what Her has, but I don't want Her to have it either. Does that make sense? I know it doesn't, but that's love for ya.

Ah well...back to packing.

It's My World

So I finished He's Just Not That Into You yesterday. I'm having a hard time articulating the transformation it's had. It wasn't life altering the way I thought it would be. It said things that my soul already knew. Reading it felt like I was hearing sage advice; it was familiar at the same time it was eye-opening.

However the effect that it's had on my behavior is definitely profound. I almost instantly let go of so much sadness and some of the anger. I no longer have any regrets about the fact that Ex and I aren't together. He did so many things that the book says is the behavior of a guy not into you: stopped wanting to sleep with me, made me feel insecure about my looks and myself, became lazy in the relationship, did nothing to try to address what I needed to be happy. So I'm letting it go. The only thing I will never forget is the way he broke up with me...and I don't think I have to. I think it is very wise to remember how easily it was for him to disregard me.

It's also having positive effects outside of Ex. I make a lot more eye contact with men I find attractive. Because one of the first pieces of advice is don't go after a guy that doesn't ask you out, it leaves me open to be more flirtatious. If he doesn't pursue me, then he just wasn't that into me and I don't want him in my life. This also works well because I'm not in a place to pursue something anyway. Eye contact and smiles are about as much as I can handle right now, so it's perfect!

I know that Ex has Her. Her has replaced me on the speed dial on his phone. But that's okay, because now Her will have to deal with a man who is constantly dissatisfied with her. And I can spend my time just being me.

As my take-no-bullshit friend says, "It's all about me." I feel decadent in the entitlement I'm rolling around in.

Too Busy to Deal with Ex

How refreshing!

I found out that my mortgage was approved for the apartment I'm buying, so now the purchase is really official. The closing is supposed to be in a week and a half, so I have that much time to confirm the closing date, schedule the walk-through of the new apartment, pack, find movers, get my stuff out of storage and move it all down to Brooklyn. Ex wants me out of the apartment the weekend of the closing. I don't even want to get into the reasons for that.

So I won't have time to really process Ex for a while. I'm sure that when I move out, I'm going to feel a whole new kind of pain. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

In the meantime, until I move, here's what will be happening:

• I will keep going to my new job and loving it. It will remain very challenging, but I will still love it.
• I will be no where near ready to think about the existence of men on the Earth.
• I will continue reading He's Just Not That Into You, which I started today. It's really funny.
• I will be running for fun and exercise again. I will still have the urge to run 10 miles, but know my body isn't ready for that yet.
• I will continue remembering songs I want to download from iTunes. Anyone remember "Move This" by Technotronic? I heard it on the radio today and I'm so excited to download it!

And that's about it. I'm looking forward to having a one-track mind on my house for a while.

Rejected!

The friend that I've been flirting with for the past two weeks dumped me!
:( That's not actually true...he's decided to embark on a committed relationship and doesn't think it's appropriate to continue our email flirtation. Which was getting pretty racy, by the way.

I know that this isn't a rejection of me...I didn't put myself out there to be rejected. It's just bad timing. But it's bad timing on more front than one. This whole flirtation thing was supposed to make me feel good, not be another notch on the ole "dumped belt."

Oh well. Just another sign I'm am so not ready for anything serious with any guy. And at least I'm taking care of myself. The friend asked if we could have dinner this week and I honestly told him that I don't think I would be much fun this week. Maybe another time.

Packing Up

I have started packing my stuff today. I thought that I would feel happy and free...but I just feel blue. Ex came by to pick up his mail and I cried when he left.

I know this is a good thing that I'm leaving...I just wish I could feel good about it.

Back to packing.

In Defense of the Blog

I am not an active member of the blogging community. I read three or four specific blogs, mainly written by friends. Perhaps if I was, I would have a better sense of how to deal with this.

Lately, I've been feeling like I've had to justify this blog...to myself. Yeah, I got one comment saying that I was obsessing, but I didn't take it to heart...or did I?

I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay that this blog is here. That's it's okay to take up space with my feelings. I never use real names, I'm not forcing anyone to read this, and the reason Britt's Place exists as a place of "obsession" is so that I don't obsess about Ex in the rest of my life. This has been so extremely helpful for me. Yet I feel like I have to apologize for it, because I don't feel worthy, because I don't want to burden anyone with my "obsessing." I need to stop that.

I do believe I am moving out of a place where I need to post all the time, but my promise to me is that I will continue to post anytime I want to until I'm good and ready to shut this baby down.

The Downside of "Handling It Beautifully"

For the record, I am feeling much better since my last post. I worked it out and realized that the reason I was supposedly "okay" the weekend Ex was here was because I disconnected my heart from my mind. My mind knew that it would be easier to get along, but heart is still really hurt. They are coming back together. It sucks, but I'm much better.

Many people have told me I've been "handling the break-up beautifully." I've been going out with friends, focusing on other things, etc. The problem with this is that I've barely heard from many of my friends. To their credit, they are insanely busy with very exciting lives: two Ivy League graduate students, one doctor, a couple of lawyers, a filmmaker, just to name a few. And they all have a lot going on. But I feel unsupported. Friends have cancelled plans; some I haven't heard from in weeks.

So these are the different thoughts that are going through my mind:

1. Do I really need support? I mean, I am handling it beautifully after all. Maybe it's okay people aren't checking in. Obviously this isn't true or I wouldn't be writing this post.
2. Perhaps I haven't communicated my needs to my friends. I can't expect them to read my mind. I've broken up with the man I've lived with for the last few months. Obviously I'm hurting. What more do I need to say?
3. Is this in some way my fault? Have I set up this dynamic where I'm there for them but they don't feel I need them to be there for me? One friend in particular has been so unsupportive that I've stopped talking to her for a while. This is the woman who I talked to everyday while her marriage was slowing falling apart. If that is the case, then I can only blame myself for having unrealistic expectations. I can't make people do things they don't want to do. Perhaps I should redefine the nature of my friendships or learn how to covet different things when cultivating new friends.

I need to practice using me for support anyway. I'll just use this opportunity to observe my relationships and check my own expectations. I am still handling something, even if it is beautifully.

Feeling Ehhh

You have to say the "ehhh" very nasally, pushing the sound to the top of your mouth. That's how I'm feeling right now.

It could have a lot to do with the fact that Ex spent the weekend not at his other place, but with me in the apartment we used to share. Unfortunately he didn't have a choice, and I really don't have a right to tell him not to stay there. Looking back, I should have crashed at my friend's house who was out of town.

We did not spend very much time together...I tried to be out of the house as much as possible. That allowed me to stay in good spirits for most of the weekend. I am thrilled by the fact that I did NOT have sex with him, even though he tried. But by Monday my spirit had had enough. I started to get really blue. I would start to cry in the subway. Luckily he left this morning.

Now I'm in this strange place where I'm not comfortable in my skin. I miss him again. I am hurt that he has another girlfriend again. I am angry again. I am so glad he's gone I could scream. I want him back so much I could scream.

If he has to stay at the apartment again this weekend, I am going out of town.

A New Friend

I came to an epiphany today. I am in no position to meet any new male. I thought I would be able to, I thought it would make me feel good. But I just don't have any energy to be anything other than myself. And I'm afraid that being myself right now around a new male is to be a little loopy.

There is a man I met over a month ago at an open house in New Jersey, right in the thick of things with Ex. He was extremely nice and sweet and we spent a lovely Saturday afternoon in Brooklyn. I met him for drinks one other time, but I felt awkward and forced.

He's called me twice already this week, and I can't call him back. I was wondering why and I realized that I'm not ready to trust anyone new. I can flirt with an old friend, but I can't go on a date.

Flirting

I have started email flirting with a friend. He's been a friend for five years and we've just started flirting this week. It happened very suddenly but very naturally. It is the most fun I've had in a really long time. I feel cute and sexy and funny. The best part about it is that there is absolutely no pressure that it goes any further. This is exactly what I need right now. Can flirting be therapeutic?

Feeling Good

I'm feeling really good today and it's just as important to document these moments as it is to document all the bad stuff.

There are several reasons why this is:

1. I am officially "in contract" for the apartment I'm buying. It was a little touch-and-go for a while because the seller's representatives are lying idiots, but it's all good now. I should own my first apartment by the end of this month.
2. I bought a new laptop earlier this month and I am slowly falling in love with it. It's light, fast, powerful has a large monitor. I hang out on it all the time.
3. I have finally embraced iTunes. I thought that because I had a PC, it wouldn't work for me, but it's really great. I stayed up until 3:00 am last night just listening to snippets of songs that I haven't heard in years. Going through the Billboard Top 100 lists is like going back in time. I spend about 15 bucks downloading songs that only I like, playing them loud and proud. Remember Who's Johnny by El Debarge...from the movie, Short Circuit? Well, I now own it, damn it! I'm the only person in the world who gets really happy when Rod Stewart's Broken Arrow comes on the easy listening station. Now I don't have to wait! I even downloaded some old school Jessica Simpson. I felt warm listening to all that cheesy music, like being embraced. The only bad part about iTunes is that it doesn't have Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp.
4. I came to my new job today and walked into my office, that contains a door and a window! I have never had my own office in my life. Closing the door is one of my favorite activities.

So, this feeling won't last...no feeling lasts, but I'm enjoying it today.

Shaken Up

One of my best friends wrote me a "wake up!" email. It would have been considered really harsh if I didn't know her and didn't know that she loves me dearly. Shit, it's still harsh. But I'm still really happy she sent it.

She didn't post it as a comment because she thought it was too mean, but I want her email to be part of this blog. When I am finally done with Ex, I will print out all my entries and put them someplace safe...or burn them. I want her message to be part of this process.

So...without further ado...

"i was gonna post to your blog, but that didn't seem fair. and remember--i love you infinitely.

this is me, shaking you. hard.

stop it. now. pack your shit and get out. don't talk about how you feel, or why you're doing what you're doing anymore, or who you need to prove what to, whether it's yourself or him or anyone else.

pack your shit, pack your life, and get the fuck out. now. enough.

when name deleted to protect her asshole Ex and i split up, he sent me all kinds of
horrible emails and said awful things to me. you finally said, "how long are you going to do this to yourself, and how long is this going to go on?"

you slept with him and cried the whole time. great. feel better? no? then stop.

you're the only one who can take decisive action that will make you feel better. so--how long are you gonna let this part of the process occupy your every thought, every day? it's sucking you dry. everytime you see him you undo any progress you may have made.
so move out and sever the ties, unless you like i how you feel right now.

and if you like how you feel, and you choose to continue it--think why."

Well...I'm not going to move out until I close on my apartment, which should happen this month. But I'm going to start packing this weekend. And I will not forget what my friend wrote to me.

Ironically, the fact that I have this blog allows me to not think about Ex all the time. I write a feeling or an incident down here and it's easier for me to move on from it.

I Need to Get Out!

I need to get out of Ex's apartment, out of his world, out of my skin. I need to shed my skin like a snake's...leaving it behind in a corner to decompose and become part of the earth again.

I can't stand myself anymore when Ex is around. I get in this vicious cycle of wanting him close so I can be the one to push him away. And then I instantly regret doing so.

And every moment I interact with him, the more I see how completely selfish he is...how even as he says the words "I love you," he's hurting me so deeply.

I question everything about myself when I'm around Ex: my strength, my sanity, my self-confidence, my common sense, myself. And even as everyone tells me that's he's an asshole for doing this to me...what does that make me for letting him?

And how strong am I really if it all gets questioned in an evening?

For the record, I went to the party. I ended up wearing a basic black dress that was all about my boobs, but in a classy way. Is there any other way? :) I missed him so much. I wanted to be his girlfriend at that party. I wanted to say "I'm here with my boyfriend."

But I never did. I did sleep with him though...in our bed. I cried the whole time.

I contemplated long and hard on whether I would admit that I slept with Ex on this blog. But I figure anyone who knows me knows that there is not one person who can judge me more than I judge myself. So I figure I can handle the wrath of the internet masses.

I need a new skin...one that hasn't been marked by Ex.

Can't Sleep

I started writing this post an hour ago all about how I can't sleep and how it's probably because Ex came over tonight to pick up his mail. I haven't seen him in about three weeks and we barely spoke to each other because we had gotten into yet another phone/email argument earlier in the day.

The one good thing for me that came out of it was that I told him that I never felt he emotionally had my back. That he could truly handle me on an emotional level. He called that "a low blow," but I'm glad I finally said that in a clear and straight-forward way.

This post was all ranting and raving about how clueless and delusional he is, but there was some sort of internal error with Blogger, so I lost it all.

Now that everything's working on this site all right, I no longer have the urge to rant and rave. It's just becoming apparently clear that he doesn't know/understand/respect/honor me, and it's very clear that I don't know him.

I just need to leave this apartment. Just move out of this house and cut my ties with Ex.

He's Still Has Her

I thought that I would have tons to write regarding Ex talking about Her. It's upsetting me and making me feel strong at the same time. It definitely hurts to know that Ex is still moved on, but I understand that's all about my ego, and not at all about actually missing the person who was right for me. Call it hindsight justification, but with every day that goes by, I realize that I wasn't meant to be with Ex. I'm just going to not dwell.

That's really all I have to say about it. I may be getting too healthy to keep this blog interesting...

Wait a minute, who am I kidding?

Public Service Announcement for My Blog

This is will be my first post that doesn't have to do with Ex or me dealing with Ex. Thrilling!

I'm finally starting to get comments on my blog. It's very exciting. I just wanted to let those that wanted to comment know that they don't have to create a blog to write me a comment. You can always post anonymously, and it will be seen.

Please keep sending me your thoughtful comments. By that I don't mean that they have to be polite, but you do have to think about them before you post them. Goodness knows I think about these posts...it's the least you can do.

Addendum: In response to a comment that asked what I meant by "thoughtful," let me give you an example of what isn't thoughtful. I had to delete a comment that was an advertisement for ipods. That's not very thoughtful. Basically, anything other than advertisements are thoughtful.

An Excellent Legal Argument

I just had a phone conversation with a new friend, someone I actually got to know through Ex. She's a lawyer. She told me that when they had dinner, all he talked about was Her (which I will definitely write a post about).

Anyway, I told my new friend about how I found out about Her (SEE Once Upon a Time...) and she brought up a point that made me feel better. She said there are different levels of wrongs. That's why there are misdemeanors and felonies. Yes, going through someone's email is wrong, but not respecting someone enough to end a relationship before starting another one is a lot worse. I need to not beat myself up over that.

If a lawyer says so, then it can't be that bad, right? I'm kidding.

I'm still not proud of myself, but I'm thinking...if I'm ever in a situation again where I can't trust what I've been told, then I will walk away before doing something to shame myself.

It's My Party!

Grrr....

I'm pissed! I was invited to this party in my building for this weekend and I was so excited. The theme is "sexy." Kind of juvenile, but I was looking forward to rocking my backless, low-cut, no-way-I-can-wear-a-bra shirt again. It's being thrown by a friend that Ex and I met while we were still together, so technically she's both of our friends.

When I got the Evite, I scanned it for his name. I didn't see it. Wheuheu! That means he won't be there, right? Well, I just found out yesterday that she invited him over the phone. Damn!

So now I'm not going to feel as sexy because who feels sexy when they're faced with their heartbreak?

Ex will probably not talk to me because "he won't want to upset me," which is bullshit for "too weak to deal with me."

I will watch Ex flirt with a bunch of other women. And he will. He does it without even being aware. He did it while we were dating, but I never paid attention because it never got disrespectful of me and I was stupid enough to be secure in our relationship.

And I'll feel too depressed to flirt myself.

I could just not go...

But I want to go to this party.

Of course, I could summon up the spirit of my "take no shit, take no prisoners" friend who does her own thing no matter who's in the room.

I like that idea, but I'll take it one day at a time. That's my life philosophy right now.

A Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm

So...

Ex keeps telling me that he cares about me and he loves me. He doesn't say "I love you," but he'll say something like, "The reason I want to still work with you is because I love you."

And I want to ask him, "What do you mean by that?"

Update on "Letting Go"

Just in case you were wondering, I've decided to postpone the major atlethic event. It's breaking my heart, but I'm just not ready. I will definitely do it next year.

Damn I'm pissed.

The World We Live In

Is one in which a book that speaks the truth about what men mean when they say, "I'll call you" is featured on the most popular TV show ever.

Is one in which that book can become sold out in at a huge Barnes & Nobles, just because Oprah says it will be so.

Is one in which only women will buy the book and be proud of the fact that we now have the ability to adapt to men's dishonesty.

Is one in which women will read that book and--instead of concluding that men who aren't into her are not worth her time--will go out and buy The Rules.

Is one in which if a woman wrote a book about how men should just be a bit more honest with themselves and others, it would tank.

Is one in which I can't wait to read this book.

Dumb Dreams and Moments of Weakness

I dreamt of him last night. Actually, I had a dream and he was in it.

You know those dreams where you wake up and do things that you would normally do if you actually woke up? I had one of those. I fell asleep on the couch and dreamt that I woke up, cleaned up and went to the bed. Unfortunately, Ex was there, waiting for me. He did the thing that he would always do...no matter how asleep he was, he would lean over and kiss me good night.

I woke up at 4:00am and realized none of that had happened.

I hate times like these because they remind me that I am not 100% okay. When I'm awake, I call these times Moments of Weakness. They are the times that I want to call him (and sometimes do), when my body misses his presence next to me. I guess I need to not beat myself up so much.

I just want to hurry up and be all right.

How I Know I'm Not Over Ex

Even though every day I gain strength and distance, this is how I know that I'm not fully over Ex.

1. I just came home from a night of clubbing at a really great place.
2. I wore low rise, tight jeans and I looked great.
3. I wore a backless, low cut, black top without a bra and looked even greater.
4. I danced with a bunch of men, one of which offered to make me dinner.
5. I had a wonderful time.
6. I watched a dancing couple that seemed so comfortable with each other, and I longed for that for me.

The interesting thing is...as I imagined myself in the woman's place, I didn't have a clear image of who my dancing partner was. The only thing that was clear was that it wasn't Ex.

The Mysterious Canadian Short Film

I saw the most fascinating film this afternoon. The way I randomly stumbled on to this film and the way it was so apt to my situation, made me wonder if there wasn't something or someone looking out for me.

I missed the opening credits so I don't know the name of the film, or the director. I can't remember the actors' names. It was a Canadian, indie film featured on IFC's Short Film Collection I.

It was a wonderfully simple film about the last day in the life of a relationship. The first shot I saw was a grainy close-up of a woman hysterically crying. Not Hollywood, pretty crying, but really bawling. The view is from her video camera. She's taping herself watching her partner leave her. He's waiting in front of a cab for a "proper" goodbye.

She is not giving him one. She grows frantic, throwing her body on the hood of the cab and grabbing at his ankles. Her only request: one more day. She just wants one more day to relive and tape all the moments of their relationship, so that she can experience them as the last time. He agrees but says definitively, "We're not going to fuck."

They spend to rest of the day re-enacting the intimate moments and patterns of their relationship, all while the video camera rolls. They read the paper and argue over the articles. They sing silly songs together. They watch a hockey game, relishing in how much they hate their favorite team. She performs a crazy dance to make him laugh. He washes her hair.

We learn that he's leaving her for another woman, a calmer woman. Actually, we don't learn that the other woman is calmer. That's just me projecting. Throughout the film, he is clearly the more restrained one. We learn that they were pregnant, but had an abortion. We learn that he will miss her, but he does not love her anymore.

The most fascinating thing to me about the film was the transformation both characters go through. By the next day, she's okay. I mean, she's still sad...in fact, sadness is the pervasive emotion throughout the film. But she's able to say goodbye at the end and he's the one that's confused. He still leaves, though.

I didn't cry throughout most of the film, though the film was good enough to elicit tears. I didn't cry when she was crying from her soul in front of the cab. I didn't cry when they pretended that they were still pregnant. I didn't cry when they ended up making love.

I cried when he asked her if she would be all right, and she responded with "Yes. A least once in a while."

I cried for her pain and her strength and her honesty. And my pain and my strength and my truth. I cried because I realized I didn't cry through the entire film. I cried because that meant I'm letting Ex go.

I wonder if I'll ever learn what the name of that film is. I wonder if I need to.

Letting Go

For the last year, I have been preparing for a major athletic event. It has been really hard, but I've been really dedicated to it. I wanted to do it for over two years I'm finally able to do it this year.

Except for the last few weeks. In that time, I have collapsed twice, and haven't trained at all the way I need to.

The actual event is in less than two months, and I finally admitted this weekend that I'm not ready. I could get ready, but that would require energy I honestly don't think I have.

I would so hate Ex if I had to cancel my participation in this event because of what he put me through. But how stupid would I be if I put myself through a really grueling day, ill-prepared, just to spite him?

If I cancelled this year, I could definitely do it next year. And taking this off my plate would remove a source of stress.

On the other hand, how great would I feel if, in spite of all this crap, I did this anyway. That would be so kick ass!

So I have to decide if it's time for me to let go of this.

Thank You, Ex

A couple of weeks ago, after yet another "difficult conversation," the details of which are actually too stupid to go into, Ex told me that he needed a break. We would only talk about stuff relating to the apartment. At the time, I was heartbroken. But now I think it's the best thing that's ever happened. I don't wait/hope that he'll call because I know he won't. Every time I have a moment of weakness, I just imagine Ex with Her, and I sober right up.

So thank you Ex, for taking a "break" from me. It was one of the most generous things you've ever done.

Trauma

I'm coming to peace with the notion that I might be traumatized by all the crap that's been going on with me. I didn't really want to embrace the thought for several reasons, primarily because I thought it would be an insult to those people who have been through the trauma that we all recognize as such: death of a parent, surviving a life-threatening accident. I know people who have been through both.

But there isn't a trauma pie or anything. Me taking my piece doesn't take a slice from someone else. And as I learned from doing some research, it's not the event that defines trauma, but one's reaction to it.

I also thought that by using the T word, it would weaken me. I'm trying to be strong and move on, wouldn't claiming this state make me a victim?

No, that's my answer. Owning all parts of me...even the weak parts, does nothing but make me stronger.

Ex had this cockamammy idea that the absence of sadness automatically equals happiness. Worse yet, he believed that idea is a Buddhist concept. For the record, Buddhism doesn't teach one to deny one's sadness. It teaches that all emotions should be observed without judgment. That practice will transcend happiness or sadness, it will create peace. I just have to remember that I'm right and he's wrong. I may be going through a trauma, but I know my Buddhism!

What About Me?

Every day I'm breathing a bit easier. And everyday I'm thinking a bit more clearly. I so wanted to write "clearer," but it's not grammatically correct. Curse the editor within!

These are some of the observations/questions I've come up with:

1. The loss of the relationship isn't as upsetting to me as other things. Of course I miss Ex's presence. I miss the sex. I am confident that I will never sleep with him again. But the loss of a future with someone and the presence of Her upset me so much more than the actual break-up. I miss the potential of us. And I'm devastated by his betrayal.
2. I fought long and hard to get in touch with my anger and not swallow it. In previous relationships, I would take any crap the guy would dish out because I didn't want to rock the boat. I finally thought I was okay because I was able to get into fights with Ex. But I have to work on how I actually express that anger. I can be pretty bitchy, though no man is ever allowed to say so. I am sarcastic, snarky, rude, and defensive. All of those things are par for the course with anger, but it doesn't help my cause. It allows the other person to write me off because I'm not staying on point. I believe a lot of this has to do with Ex in particular, but I want nip this in the bud, just in case it's a pattern.
3. If issues of trust and respect were present for me from the very beginning, why didn't I walk away? I remember having conversations with Ex a year ago about his lack of empathy. Throughout our relationship I wondered what honesty meant for him when he would just hide ugly parts of his behavior...always for the sake of not rubbing it in other's faces. Yeah, right. So why didn't I walk away?
4. When this first happened, talking to him felt good. It soothed me. Now, everytime we talk about anything at all, I feel shaky and naseous. On Monday, he said that he need a break from interacting with me. I really didn't want that, but now I'm thrilled by it.

I don't think I'm going to come to any conclusions about this soon. And I think this list will grow, so check back in.

Ode to My Licensed Professional

I love my therapist. I really do. She has been my therapist for almost three years and has helped me through some serious stuff. I have become such a better person with her help. I was constantly bombarded with the idea that therapy is overrated and is nothing but a crutch...wait a minute. Who am I trying to protect? Ex was the one that always bombarded me.

But I've always rejected that idea. Thank goodness, because I need all the help I can to get through this crap.

I learned during my last session that what upsets me even more than Her is the blatant lack of respect Ex showed me by bringing Her in his life without giving our relationship closure. This man that supposedly loves me showed such lack of humanity toward me.

Everytime he would do something totally rude, and I would talk to him about showing me respect, he would say that I need to look inside myself -- stop looking to him for things like respect. I chuckle looking back at the idiocy of Ex's logic.

Ironically, he ended up being right. I learned during my session that I need figure out why I think I deserve someone who would turn his disrespectful actions into my problem. I need to honor my own humanity enough to weed people like him out of my environment.

Of course it's a bit more complicated than that. For as many narcissistic, hurtful things that he's done, Ex has also been fantastic and supportive in other ways. My therapist reminded me that it's okay to be a little roller coaster-y now because of this duality and because I'm going through a break-up I didn't want, damn it!

I really appreciate my therapist and the role therapy has played in my life. I don't trust Ex anymore, but I have never doubted that my therapist has always had my best interest at heart.