Fully Grown

One of the reasons I fell in love with Ex was because I thought he was fully grown. He was in his late thirties, had experienced life and love, knew what he wanted. He was looking for a partner.

The more I think about it, though, and the more I look at how he's dealt with this break-up, the more I see that he isn't all that grown up. In some ways, he is definitely mature. He has a specific view of the world that comes from experience.

But Ex is a real baby in other ways.

1. He has a horrible temper that he cannot control. Every time he gets angry, he goes on the attack, even if he wasn't actually wronged.
2. When he gets angry, he stops listening completely .
3. He is extremely sensitive to being silenced. Ex is prone to repeat himself...often. I think it's because he likes to hear himself talk, actually. I had a bad habit of cutting him off when I got the point. That act put him in a rage and he would then proceed to baby behavior #1.
4. He is arrogant in a way that sometimes borders on petulance. He honestly believes that he doesn't have anything to improve on. He'll read Buddhist texts and see how they apply to everyone but him. He has said to me, "I can do whatever the hell I want!" Often this comment came after I told him that he was not allowed to point a finger in my face or some similar disrespectful act. Everytime he said that, I was reminded of my 10-year-old brother. I never knew why. It just sounded like the words of a temper tantrum.
5. He wants what he can't have. The night before he headed to a vacation with Her, he tried to have sex with me. When we were together, he barely wanted to touch me.
6. He is lazy. He has changed careers several times. The moment of change always came when he was challenged and had to prove his worth. At that point, he would revert to baby behavior #4 and he would justify to himself why it's the employer's fault for not appreciating him enough.
7. Every reason he's told me he wants to end the relationship has to do with the fact that he's challenged. He wants a woman who "gets wet by just being in the room with me." I don't care how hot you are...I need foreplay. He wants a woman who goes with the flow more. My attention to detail cannot be turned on and off. He wants someone more supportive, someone who will help him out just because. This may be my issue, but I see that as martyrdom and I'm not interested.
8. His ideal relationship is the one his parents had. But he's never experienced that relationship through adult eyes. Ex's father passed away when he was very young.
9. His ideal woman is his mother...another martyr. A woman who has told me that she's tired of being everyone's support line. He has actually put his mother and the way he would like me to dress in the same sentence.
10. He cannot stand to be alone. Less than three days after he decided to end our relationship, he called Her.

I am realizing that I am not better than Ex. I'm accomplishing things in my life I could not have without him. But I am beginning to believe that I am stronger than Ex. I cry and curl up on the sofa as often as I laugh with friends. I may be confused about my feelings, but I'm not afraid of them.

That's the ultimate sign of adulthood.