Context Clues

Remember in middle school when you learned how to devise the meaning of a word by studying the words around it? Well, that skill helps you in more places than just the SATs. (Do they even take the SAT's anymore?)

Let me give a little background: I am still living in the Ex's place. I'm in the process of buying an apartment and he is adamant that this break-up doesn't jeopardize that process. Putting down first and last month's rent and security deposit and paying rent again would definitely jeopardize that process. Ex is also on his way to a new job in a different city. He won't be living there very much, if at all. It's an odd situation and it's sometimes painful, but I prefer it to giving up on purchasing an apartment, even temporarily.

So until next week, we're still living together for all intents and purposes. The nights are the most difficult; the sexual tension is always palpable. He had no problem not touching me when we were dating, but now that we're broken up, he can't stay away.

I can only judge him to a certain point, I give in about one-third of the time.

Yesterday was one of those times.

I spent yesterday in the emergency room after I collapsed at work. My co-worker asked if there was someone I could call...Ex was the only person I could think of.

He stepped up to the plate, big time. He called all the people that aren't too happy with him, my parents, my best friend. He came straight to the hospital and stayed there the whole time. After I got discharged, he wouldn't let me out of his sight.

When we got home, we had sex. I will explore the reasons for this in a later post.

Anyway, my body hasn't changed all that much since we broke up, but Ex couldn't get over how good I looked. He called me "hot," a term he has never used.

During our lovemaking, he seemed so damn grateful...

I used context clues to realize that he's not hot for Her. Her may not fight with him ever, but he's not turned on by Her. I'm sure they had sex over their weekend together, but it wasn't good. I know Ex well enough to know that he's gets happy with the idea that he's turned on...the way women fall in love with being in love.

I can't help it...this makes me happy. I'm not happy because he wants me...I'm happy because karma is a bitch! Because Ex is already suffering for the choices he's made. Not in the way I want him to suffer, but I'll take it for now until the real grief settles in. I'll be really thrilled when I don't succumb to him anymore and he's stuck with a complacent Her who lives across the country and boring sex. Is that evil of me? Probably. It's not very Buddhist of me, that's for sure.

I'll be ecstatic when I don't care whether he suffers or not.

My challenge is not to confuse Ex's sexual desire with a desire to get back together. I have to remind myself of what happened yesterday morning. The instant I tried to talk about something serious, he literally rolled his eyes and exhaled dramatically...just like a little kid (see the Fully Grown entry).

My response: "Real mature, Ex."