What About Me?

Every day I'm breathing a bit easier. And everyday I'm thinking a bit more clearly. I so wanted to write "clearer," but it's not grammatically correct. Curse the editor within!

These are some of the observations/questions I've come up with:

1. The loss of the relationship isn't as upsetting to me as other things. Of course I miss Ex's presence. I miss the sex. I am confident that I will never sleep with him again. But the loss of a future with someone and the presence of Her upset me so much more than the actual break-up. I miss the potential of us. And I'm devastated by his betrayal.
2. I fought long and hard to get in touch with my anger and not swallow it. In previous relationships, I would take any crap the guy would dish out because I didn't want to rock the boat. I finally thought I was okay because I was able to get into fights with Ex. But I have to work on how I actually express that anger. I can be pretty bitchy, though no man is ever allowed to say so. I am sarcastic, snarky, rude, and defensive. All of those things are par for the course with anger, but it doesn't help my cause. It allows the other person to write me off because I'm not staying on point. I believe a lot of this has to do with Ex in particular, but I want nip this in the bud, just in case it's a pattern.
3. If issues of trust and respect were present for me from the very beginning, why didn't I walk away? I remember having conversations with Ex a year ago about his lack of empathy. Throughout our relationship I wondered what honesty meant for him when he would just hide ugly parts of his behavior...always for the sake of not rubbing it in other's faces. Yeah, right. So why didn't I walk away?
4. When this first happened, talking to him felt good. It soothed me. Now, everytime we talk about anything at all, I feel shaky and naseous. On Monday, he said that he need a break from interacting with me. I really didn't want that, but now I'm thrilled by it.

I don't think I'm going to come to any conclusions about this soon. And I think this list will grow, so check back in.