What the Buddha Taught

So, I'm coming back from the brink...still going through slight anxiety attacks and still get extremely sad sometimes, but I'm coming back.

What's helping me is that I'm reacquainting myself with my Buddhist practice and (hopefully) involving myself in it a new way. I've started by reading What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula. Ironically, I bought this book not for my former Buddhist practice, but for a Buddhism class I took in undergrad.

Walpola Rahula, the author, was an Indian scholar who wrote this book in 1959. It is like a Buddhism 101 book, however what it isn't is a modern Buddhism-lite book written by a Westerner. As someone who has been a Buddhist for all of her life, I am slightly offended by the upsurge of books written in the last several years extolling the easiness of Buddhism. Buddhism is a simple, clear philosophy/religion, but it certainly isn't easy.

If I were to be a true Buddhist, I would have to release whatever anger I feel regarding Ex's completely selfish act (the timing of Her). I would have stop dwelling on my time with Ex, nor could I keep rehashing the last several weeks. Much of that sounds delightful.

But would I be a fool to relinquish my anger? By contacting Her while he was still away, before ending things with me, Ex basically said, "I don't have any respect for your feelings, Britt. Even though you were an important part of my life for over a year, I have no urge to honor that. I can do 'whatever the hell I want' and I will step on anyone who gets in my way, even you."

Maybe the way to go is to observe Ex's behavior, observe how angry that makes me, and take steps to avoid Ex. And who cares if I look like a fool? If letting go stops the anxiety attacks and the pain, I'll be a fool all the lifelong day.

I think the key is not confusing 'letting go' with 'approval.' I will never approve of what Ex did, and it will take me a while to forgive him, but I need to let what happened pass over me, "like a wave."

I will be a fool if I continue to interact with Ex as if he didn't hurt me. Ex will never be the same to me ever again.