I Need to Get Out!

I need to get out of Ex's apartment, out of his world, out of my skin. I need to shed my skin like a snake's...leaving it behind in a corner to decompose and become part of the earth again.

I can't stand myself anymore when Ex is around. I get in this vicious cycle of wanting him close so I can be the one to push him away. And then I instantly regret doing so.

And every moment I interact with him, the more I see how completely selfish he is...how even as he says the words "I love you," he's hurting me so deeply.

I question everything about myself when I'm around Ex: my strength, my sanity, my self-confidence, my common sense, myself. And even as everyone tells me that's he's an asshole for doing this to me...what does that make me for letting him?

And how strong am I really if it all gets questioned in an evening?

For the record, I went to the party. I ended up wearing a basic black dress that was all about my boobs, but in a classy way. Is there any other way? :) I missed him so much. I wanted to be his girlfriend at that party. I wanted to say "I'm here with my boyfriend."

But I never did. I did sleep with him though...in our bed. I cried the whole time.

I contemplated long and hard on whether I would admit that I slept with Ex on this blog. But I figure anyone who knows me knows that there is not one person who can judge me more than I judge myself. So I figure I can handle the wrath of the internet masses.

I need a new skin...one that hasn't been marked by Ex.