I've Seen Her
I was so close. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was less than one week away from never having to see Ex again if I so chose. Less than one week away of being reminded of the existence of Her. I guess I was so close I got lazy. Life always finds a way of kicking you in your ass.
In the process of extricating myself from this apartment, I found a CD. I can't tell you the name of it because it would definitely make Her a lot less anonymous, and by extension Ex and me less anonymous. Sufficed to say, the CD had her name on it. I put it in my laptop because I am a glutton for punishment. I wanted to hear what message Her would send Ex through song.
It actually wasn't a CD, it was a DVD for a cooking show TV pilot. Starring Her. Come to find out, she's an excellent chef. So good that she can develop a cooking show.
So now I am positive that Ex badmouths me and my lack of culinary sophistication to Her. He'll begin the badmouthing with, "I know it's not cool to talk about ex-girlfriends, but..." I am so sure I would bet money on it. When I was the girlfriend, Ex would do it all the time about the ex before me. And he was brutal. So I am sure Ex and Her sit in fancy restaurants and relish in the fact that he's finally with someone who's as much into food as he is. "Thank God!"
And Her is pretty. I wanted Her to be ugly, but she's not. I tried to make Her ugly all through the show, but she just isn't.
I watched the DVD and wondered: how could this woman love Ex? She seems so together. Did no red flags go up for Her when he called and said, "I want to be with you, Her. I haven't actually broken up with Britt yet, but that's just a technicality."? Did she not think: it's odd that Ex would consider his live-in girlfriend a technicality? Or did she think what every woman thinks: with me he'll be different? Or does Her even know I exist?
So I'm wondering, "How do I feel, Britt?" I don't know, honestly. I feel very sad, but not nearly as sad as I've been in the past. My licensed professional says that I respond most strongly to Her's presence because she is the personification of the real betrayal, Ex's dismissal of the relationship so quickly. So I guess I feel reminded of that betrayal. I also feel envy. I don't necessarily want what Her has, but I don't want Her to have it either. Does that make sense? I know it doesn't, but that's love for ya.
Ah well...back to packing.
In the process of extricating myself from this apartment, I found a CD. I can't tell you the name of it because it would definitely make Her a lot less anonymous, and by extension Ex and me less anonymous. Sufficed to say, the CD had her name on it. I put it in my laptop because I am a glutton for punishment. I wanted to hear what message Her would send Ex through song.
It actually wasn't a CD, it was a DVD for a cooking show TV pilot. Starring Her. Come to find out, she's an excellent chef. So good that she can develop a cooking show.
So now I am positive that Ex badmouths me and my lack of culinary sophistication to Her. He'll begin the badmouthing with, "I know it's not cool to talk about ex-girlfriends, but..." I am so sure I would bet money on it. When I was the girlfriend, Ex would do it all the time about the ex before me. And he was brutal. So I am sure Ex and Her sit in fancy restaurants and relish in the fact that he's finally with someone who's as much into food as he is. "Thank God!"
And Her is pretty. I wanted Her to be ugly, but she's not. I tried to make Her ugly all through the show, but she just isn't.
I watched the DVD and wondered: how could this woman love Ex? She seems so together. Did no red flags go up for Her when he called and said, "I want to be with you, Her. I haven't actually broken up with Britt yet, but that's just a technicality."? Did she not think: it's odd that Ex would consider his live-in girlfriend a technicality? Or did she think what every woman thinks: with me he'll be different? Or does Her even know I exist?
So I'm wondering, "How do I feel, Britt?" I don't know, honestly. I feel very sad, but not nearly as sad as I've been in the past. My licensed professional says that I respond most strongly to Her's presence because she is the personification of the real betrayal, Ex's dismissal of the relationship so quickly. So I guess I feel reminded of that betrayal. I also feel envy. I don't necessarily want what Her has, but I don't want Her to have it either. Does that make sense? I know it doesn't, but that's love for ya.
Ah well...back to packing.
posted by L. Britt @ 8:02 PM
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