Jail

Another Sunday in pain. It was a pretty difficult Saturday. Lots of revelations, lots of deceit. I'm surrounded by cowardly men.

It hurts so much I feel it in my chest, in my heart. Actual physical pain in my heart.

I read my past posts that spoke of letting go and peace and I wonder Who is that woman that felt that way? I know I'll see her again, but I don't have the energy to look for her.

I feel like I'm in jail. A jail that has an open door, but I'm too exhausted to get up and walk out. I don't know what's out there, and though my cell is far from perfect, I have gotten used to it. It's comfortable.

And I'm so tired of looking for a new place to be. I just want to settle into someplace safe. I'm hoping that my new apartment will be that place.

At least Jack and Diane became available on iTunes.

I'm Exhausted

As of 4:00 pm yesterday, I am officially a homeowner. I spent all afternoon Friday running around, going to the bank, walking through the apartment again, eventually ending up at the seller's attorney's office.

I cried when it was all over. People who know me know that this makes complete sense.

I called Ex because he'd be so instrumental in me getting here...and he barely said congratulations. He was preparing for his college's homecoming events. I'm positive that he's with Her.

I'm writing this down, so that I can remember that I said this: Britt, stop talking to him. He does nothing but disappoint me.

This roller coaster called Ex is getting extremely boring. And it's making me tired.

Deja Vu

I had/am having a bit of an anxiety attack. I feel like I've traveled back in time. It's the middle of September and I'm smack dab in the middle of the break-up. Right in the throes of it.

I just came home from the walk-through of almost my apartment in Brooklyn. It was still the same lovely apartment. It was still blissfully quiet on my block. There were still tall ceilings and front lawns across the street and lots of storage space, just like I remembered.

But leaving the apartment, I started to have pangs of regret. By the time I was back in Harlem, I was practically in tears. What have I done? This is a huge mistake. This apartment is just too far away.

Away from what became the question.

As I walked into my current apartment, which is actually Ex's apartment, the answer was, away from him.

I don't want to go. I really don't want to go. I want to stay here until he comes to his senses. I want to unpack my boxes, restock the bookcases. I love Ex and he loves me. He told me so Sunday. That's gotta count for something, right?

Never mind that his love language is totally incomprehensible to me...and that he's completely unwilling or unable to speak mine. Never mind that he didn't just break my heart, but he spit on it. Never mind that he wants me out of his house the day after the closing. Never mind that thousands of my dollars will be lost if I back out of this purchase. Never mind that buying this apartment--on my own, with no financial help--is one of the biggest events of my life.

I just feel like it's September 12th all over again.

The Best Show on Television

It seems like every major event between Ex and I happens on a Sunday. That's why I am so glad that the most uplifting, positive show on TV comes on Sundays at 8:00pm. It's the only reality show that doesn't try to bring out the worst in people, but the best.

"Extreme Makeover Home Edition" finds deserving people all over the country and completely renovates their homes in one week. Sometimes they just knock down a house and start over in one week. There are families that have adopted seven brothers and sisters after the death of their parents, a woman who works with disabled people. They recreated a house for a family who has a daughter that's allergic to the sun. And next week, they're coming to New York to renovate a house left in shambles by a crooked contractor.

This show always makes me feel good...always. I cry and laugh and relish in how cute Ty Pennington is. And it always reminds me that karma is real. Sending out positivity into the world always brings it back to you.

I've Seen Her

I was so close. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was less than one week away from never having to see Ex again if I so chose. Less than one week away of being reminded of the existence of Her. I guess I was so close I got lazy. Life always finds a way of kicking you in your ass.

In the process of extricating myself from this apartment, I found a CD. I can't tell you the name of it because it would definitely make Her a lot less anonymous, and by extension Ex and me less anonymous. Sufficed to say, the CD had her name on it. I put it in my laptop because I am a glutton for punishment. I wanted to hear what message Her would send Ex through song.

It actually wasn't a CD, it was a DVD for a cooking show TV pilot. Starring Her. Come to find out, she's an excellent chef. So good that she can develop a cooking show.

So now I am positive that Ex badmouths me and my lack of culinary sophistication to Her. He'll begin the badmouthing with, "I know it's not cool to talk about ex-girlfriends, but..." I am so sure I would bet money on it. When I was the girlfriend, Ex would do it all the time about the ex before me. And he was brutal. So I am sure Ex and Her sit in fancy restaurants and relish in the fact that he's finally with someone who's as much into food as he is. "Thank God!"

And Her is pretty. I wanted Her to be ugly, but she's not. I tried to make Her ugly all through the show, but she just isn't.

I watched the DVD and wondered: how could this woman love Ex? She seems so together. Did no red flags go up for Her when he called and said, "I want to be with you, Her. I haven't actually broken up with Britt yet, but that's just a technicality."? Did she not think: it's odd that Ex would consider his live-in girlfriend a technicality? Or did she think what every woman thinks: with me he'll be different? Or does Her even know I exist?

So I'm wondering, "How do I feel, Britt?" I don't know, honestly. I feel very sad, but not nearly as sad as I've been in the past. My licensed professional says that I respond most strongly to Her's presence because she is the personification of the real betrayal, Ex's dismissal of the relationship so quickly. So I guess I feel reminded of that betrayal. I also feel envy. I don't necessarily want what Her has, but I don't want Her to have it either. Does that make sense? I know it doesn't, but that's love for ya.

Ah well...back to packing.

It's My World

So I finished He's Just Not That Into You yesterday. I'm having a hard time articulating the transformation it's had. It wasn't life altering the way I thought it would be. It said things that my soul already knew. Reading it felt like I was hearing sage advice; it was familiar at the same time it was eye-opening.

However the effect that it's had on my behavior is definitely profound. I almost instantly let go of so much sadness and some of the anger. I no longer have any regrets about the fact that Ex and I aren't together. He did so many things that the book says is the behavior of a guy not into you: stopped wanting to sleep with me, made me feel insecure about my looks and myself, became lazy in the relationship, did nothing to try to address what I needed to be happy. So I'm letting it go. The only thing I will never forget is the way he broke up with me...and I don't think I have to. I think it is very wise to remember how easily it was for him to disregard me.

It's also having positive effects outside of Ex. I make a lot more eye contact with men I find attractive. Because one of the first pieces of advice is don't go after a guy that doesn't ask you out, it leaves me open to be more flirtatious. If he doesn't pursue me, then he just wasn't that into me and I don't want him in my life. This also works well because I'm not in a place to pursue something anyway. Eye contact and smiles are about as much as I can handle right now, so it's perfect!

I know that Ex has Her. Her has replaced me on the speed dial on his phone. But that's okay, because now Her will have to deal with a man who is constantly dissatisfied with her. And I can spend my time just being me.

As my take-no-bullshit friend says, "It's all about me." I feel decadent in the entitlement I'm rolling around in.

Too Busy to Deal with Ex

How refreshing!

I found out that my mortgage was approved for the apartment I'm buying, so now the purchase is really official. The closing is supposed to be in a week and a half, so I have that much time to confirm the closing date, schedule the walk-through of the new apartment, pack, find movers, get my stuff out of storage and move it all down to Brooklyn. Ex wants me out of the apartment the weekend of the closing. I don't even want to get into the reasons for that.

So I won't have time to really process Ex for a while. I'm sure that when I move out, I'm going to feel a whole new kind of pain. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

In the meantime, until I move, here's what will be happening:

• I will keep going to my new job and loving it. It will remain very challenging, but I will still love it.
• I will be no where near ready to think about the existence of men on the Earth.
• I will continue reading He's Just Not That Into You, which I started today. It's really funny.
• I will be running for fun and exercise again. I will still have the urge to run 10 miles, but know my body isn't ready for that yet.
• I will continue remembering songs I want to download from iTunes. Anyone remember "Move This" by Technotronic? I heard it on the radio today and I'm so excited to download it!

And that's about it. I'm looking forward to having a one-track mind on my house for a while.

Rejected!

The friend that I've been flirting with for the past two weeks dumped me!
:( That's not actually true...he's decided to embark on a committed relationship and doesn't think it's appropriate to continue our email flirtation. Which was getting pretty racy, by the way.

I know that this isn't a rejection of me...I didn't put myself out there to be rejected. It's just bad timing. But it's bad timing on more front than one. This whole flirtation thing was supposed to make me feel good, not be another notch on the ole "dumped belt."

Oh well. Just another sign I'm am so not ready for anything serious with any guy. And at least I'm taking care of myself. The friend asked if we could have dinner this week and I honestly told him that I don't think I would be much fun this week. Maybe another time.

Packing Up

I have started packing my stuff today. I thought that I would feel happy and free...but I just feel blue. Ex came by to pick up his mail and I cried when he left.

I know this is a good thing that I'm leaving...I just wish I could feel good about it.

Back to packing.

In Defense of the Blog

I am not an active member of the blogging community. I read three or four specific blogs, mainly written by friends. Perhaps if I was, I would have a better sense of how to deal with this.

Lately, I've been feeling like I've had to justify this blog...to myself. Yeah, I got one comment saying that I was obsessing, but I didn't take it to heart...or did I?

I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay that this blog is here. That's it's okay to take up space with my feelings. I never use real names, I'm not forcing anyone to read this, and the reason Britt's Place exists as a place of "obsession" is so that I don't obsess about Ex in the rest of my life. This has been so extremely helpful for me. Yet I feel like I have to apologize for it, because I don't feel worthy, because I don't want to burden anyone with my "obsessing." I need to stop that.

I do believe I am moving out of a place where I need to post all the time, but my promise to me is that I will continue to post anytime I want to until I'm good and ready to shut this baby down.

The Downside of "Handling It Beautifully"

For the record, I am feeling much better since my last post. I worked it out and realized that the reason I was supposedly "okay" the weekend Ex was here was because I disconnected my heart from my mind. My mind knew that it would be easier to get along, but heart is still really hurt. They are coming back together. It sucks, but I'm much better.

Many people have told me I've been "handling the break-up beautifully." I've been going out with friends, focusing on other things, etc. The problem with this is that I've barely heard from many of my friends. To their credit, they are insanely busy with very exciting lives: two Ivy League graduate students, one doctor, a couple of lawyers, a filmmaker, just to name a few. And they all have a lot going on. But I feel unsupported. Friends have cancelled plans; some I haven't heard from in weeks.

So these are the different thoughts that are going through my mind:

1. Do I really need support? I mean, I am handling it beautifully after all. Maybe it's okay people aren't checking in. Obviously this isn't true or I wouldn't be writing this post.
2. Perhaps I haven't communicated my needs to my friends. I can't expect them to read my mind. I've broken up with the man I've lived with for the last few months. Obviously I'm hurting. What more do I need to say?
3. Is this in some way my fault? Have I set up this dynamic where I'm there for them but they don't feel I need them to be there for me? One friend in particular has been so unsupportive that I've stopped talking to her for a while. This is the woman who I talked to everyday while her marriage was slowing falling apart. If that is the case, then I can only blame myself for having unrealistic expectations. I can't make people do things they don't want to do. Perhaps I should redefine the nature of my friendships or learn how to covet different things when cultivating new friends.

I need to practice using me for support anyway. I'll just use this opportunity to observe my relationships and check my own expectations. I am still handling something, even if it is beautifully.

Feeling Ehhh

You have to say the "ehhh" very nasally, pushing the sound to the top of your mouth. That's how I'm feeling right now.

It could have a lot to do with the fact that Ex spent the weekend not at his other place, but with me in the apartment we used to share. Unfortunately he didn't have a choice, and I really don't have a right to tell him not to stay there. Looking back, I should have crashed at my friend's house who was out of town.

We did not spend very much time together...I tried to be out of the house as much as possible. That allowed me to stay in good spirits for most of the weekend. I am thrilled by the fact that I did NOT have sex with him, even though he tried. But by Monday my spirit had had enough. I started to get really blue. I would start to cry in the subway. Luckily he left this morning.

Now I'm in this strange place where I'm not comfortable in my skin. I miss him again. I am hurt that he has another girlfriend again. I am angry again. I am so glad he's gone I could scream. I want him back so much I could scream.

If he has to stay at the apartment again this weekend, I am going out of town.

A New Friend

I came to an epiphany today. I am in no position to meet any new male. I thought I would be able to, I thought it would make me feel good. But I just don't have any energy to be anything other than myself. And I'm afraid that being myself right now around a new male is to be a little loopy.

There is a man I met over a month ago at an open house in New Jersey, right in the thick of things with Ex. He was extremely nice and sweet and we spent a lovely Saturday afternoon in Brooklyn. I met him for drinks one other time, but I felt awkward and forced.

He's called me twice already this week, and I can't call him back. I was wondering why and I realized that I'm not ready to trust anyone new. I can flirt with an old friend, but I can't go on a date.

Flirting

I have started email flirting with a friend. He's been a friend for five years and we've just started flirting this week. It happened very suddenly but very naturally. It is the most fun I've had in a really long time. I feel cute and sexy and funny. The best part about it is that there is absolutely no pressure that it goes any further. This is exactly what I need right now. Can flirting be therapeutic?

Feeling Good

I'm feeling really good today and it's just as important to document these moments as it is to document all the bad stuff.

There are several reasons why this is:

1. I am officially "in contract" for the apartment I'm buying. It was a little touch-and-go for a while because the seller's representatives are lying idiots, but it's all good now. I should own my first apartment by the end of this month.
2. I bought a new laptop earlier this month and I am slowly falling in love with it. It's light, fast, powerful has a large monitor. I hang out on it all the time.
3. I have finally embraced iTunes. I thought that because I had a PC, it wouldn't work for me, but it's really great. I stayed up until 3:00 am last night just listening to snippets of songs that I haven't heard in years. Going through the Billboard Top 100 lists is like going back in time. I spend about 15 bucks downloading songs that only I like, playing them loud and proud. Remember Who's Johnny by El Debarge...from the movie, Short Circuit? Well, I now own it, damn it! I'm the only person in the world who gets really happy when Rod Stewart's Broken Arrow comes on the easy listening station. Now I don't have to wait! I even downloaded some old school Jessica Simpson. I felt warm listening to all that cheesy music, like being embraced. The only bad part about iTunes is that it doesn't have Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp.
4. I came to my new job today and walked into my office, that contains a door and a window! I have never had my own office in my life. Closing the door is one of my favorite activities.

So, this feeling won't last...no feeling lasts, but I'm enjoying it today.

Shaken Up

One of my best friends wrote me a "wake up!" email. It would have been considered really harsh if I didn't know her and didn't know that she loves me dearly. Shit, it's still harsh. But I'm still really happy she sent it.

She didn't post it as a comment because she thought it was too mean, but I want her email to be part of this blog. When I am finally done with Ex, I will print out all my entries and put them someplace safe...or burn them. I want her message to be part of this process.

So...without further ado...

"i was gonna post to your blog, but that didn't seem fair. and remember--i love you infinitely.

this is me, shaking you. hard.

stop it. now. pack your shit and get out. don't talk about how you feel, or why you're doing what you're doing anymore, or who you need to prove what to, whether it's yourself or him or anyone else.

pack your shit, pack your life, and get the fuck out. now. enough.

when name deleted to protect her asshole Ex and i split up, he sent me all kinds of
horrible emails and said awful things to me. you finally said, "how long are you going to do this to yourself, and how long is this going to go on?"

you slept with him and cried the whole time. great. feel better? no? then stop.

you're the only one who can take decisive action that will make you feel better. so--how long are you gonna let this part of the process occupy your every thought, every day? it's sucking you dry. everytime you see him you undo any progress you may have made.
so move out and sever the ties, unless you like i how you feel right now.

and if you like how you feel, and you choose to continue it--think why."

Well...I'm not going to move out until I close on my apartment, which should happen this month. But I'm going to start packing this weekend. And I will not forget what my friend wrote to me.

Ironically, the fact that I have this blog allows me to not think about Ex all the time. I write a feeling or an incident down here and it's easier for me to move on from it.

I Need to Get Out!

I need to get out of Ex's apartment, out of his world, out of my skin. I need to shed my skin like a snake's...leaving it behind in a corner to decompose and become part of the earth again.

I can't stand myself anymore when Ex is around. I get in this vicious cycle of wanting him close so I can be the one to push him away. And then I instantly regret doing so.

And every moment I interact with him, the more I see how completely selfish he is...how even as he says the words "I love you," he's hurting me so deeply.

I question everything about myself when I'm around Ex: my strength, my sanity, my self-confidence, my common sense, myself. And even as everyone tells me that's he's an asshole for doing this to me...what does that make me for letting him?

And how strong am I really if it all gets questioned in an evening?

For the record, I went to the party. I ended up wearing a basic black dress that was all about my boobs, but in a classy way. Is there any other way? :) I missed him so much. I wanted to be his girlfriend at that party. I wanted to say "I'm here with my boyfriend."

But I never did. I did sleep with him though...in our bed. I cried the whole time.

I contemplated long and hard on whether I would admit that I slept with Ex on this blog. But I figure anyone who knows me knows that there is not one person who can judge me more than I judge myself. So I figure I can handle the wrath of the internet masses.

I need a new skin...one that hasn't been marked by Ex.

Can't Sleep

I started writing this post an hour ago all about how I can't sleep and how it's probably because Ex came over tonight to pick up his mail. I haven't seen him in about three weeks and we barely spoke to each other because we had gotten into yet another phone/email argument earlier in the day.

The one good thing for me that came out of it was that I told him that I never felt he emotionally had my back. That he could truly handle me on an emotional level. He called that "a low blow," but I'm glad I finally said that in a clear and straight-forward way.

This post was all ranting and raving about how clueless and delusional he is, but there was some sort of internal error with Blogger, so I lost it all.

Now that everything's working on this site all right, I no longer have the urge to rant and rave. It's just becoming apparently clear that he doesn't know/understand/respect/honor me, and it's very clear that I don't know him.

I just need to leave this apartment. Just move out of this house and cut my ties with Ex.