Britt's Place

Just a place for me to work Ex out of my system.

Thursday, September 30

He's Still Has Her

I thought that I would have tons to write regarding Ex talking about Her. It's upsetting me and making me feel strong at the same time. It definitely hurts to know that Ex is still moved on, but I understand that's all about my ego, and not at all about actually missing the person who was right for me. Call it hindsight justification, but with every day that goes by, I realize that I wasn't meant to be with Ex. I'm just going to not dwell.

That's really all I have to say about it. I may be getting too healthy to keep this blog interesting...

Wait a minute, who am I kidding?

Public Service Announcement for My Blog

This is will be my first post that doesn't have to do with Ex or me dealing with Ex. Thrilling!

I'm finally starting to get comments on my blog. It's very exciting. I just wanted to let those that wanted to comment know that they don't have to create a blog to write me a comment. You can always post anonymously, and it will be seen.

Please keep sending me your thoughtful comments. By that I don't mean that they have to be polite, but you do have to think about them before you post them. Goodness knows I think about these posts...it's the least you can do.

Addendum: In response to a comment that asked what I meant by "thoughtful," let me give you an example of what isn't thoughtful. I had to delete a comment that was an advertisement for ipods. That's not very thoughtful. Basically, anything other than advertisements are thoughtful.

An Excellent Legal Argument

I just had a phone conversation with a new friend, someone I actually got to know through Ex. She's a lawyer. She told me that when they had dinner, all he talked about was Her (which I will definitely write a post about).

Anyway, I told my new friend about how I found out about Her (SEE Once Upon a Time...) and she brought up a point that made me feel better. She said there are different levels of wrongs. That's why there are misdemeanors and felonies. Yes, going through someone's email is wrong, but not respecting someone enough to end a relationship before starting another one is a lot worse. I need to not beat myself up over that.

If a lawyer says so, then it can't be that bad, right? I'm kidding.

I'm still not proud of myself, but I'm thinking...if I'm ever in a situation again where I can't trust what I've been told, then I will walk away before doing something to shame myself.

Wednesday, September 29

It's My Party!

Grrr....

I'm pissed! I was invited to this party in my building for this weekend and I was so excited. The theme is "sexy." Kind of juvenile, but I was looking forward to rocking my backless, low-cut, no-way-I-can-wear-a-bra shirt again. It's being thrown by a friend that Ex and I met while we were still together, so technically she's both of our friends.

When I got the Evite, I scanned it for his name. I didn't see it. Wheuheu! That means he won't be there, right? Well, I just found out yesterday that she invited him over the phone. Damn!

So now I'm not going to feel as sexy because who feels sexy when they're faced with their heartbreak?

Ex will probably not talk to me because "he won't want to upset me," which is bullshit for "too weak to deal with me."

I will watch Ex flirt with a bunch of other women. And he will. He does it without even being aware. He did it while we were dating, but I never paid attention because it never got disrespectful of me and I was stupid enough to be secure in our relationship.

And I'll feel too depressed to flirt myself.

I could just not go...

But I want to go to this party.

Of course, I could summon up the spirit of my "take no shit, take no prisoners" friend who does her own thing no matter who's in the room.

I like that idea, but I'll take it one day at a time. That's my life philosophy right now.

Tuesday, September 28

A Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm

So...

Ex keeps telling me that he cares about me and he loves me. He doesn't say "I love you," but he'll say something like, "The reason I want to still work with you is because I love you."

And I want to ask him, "What do you mean by that?"

Update on "Letting Go"

Just in case you were wondering, I've decided to postpone the major atlethic event. It's breaking my heart, but I'm just not ready. I will definitely do it next year.

Damn I'm pissed.

The World We Live In

Is one in which a book that speaks the truth about what men mean when they say, "I'll call you" is featured on the most popular TV show ever.

Is one in which that book can become sold out in at a huge Barnes & Nobles, just because Oprah says it will be so.

Is one in which only women will buy the book and be proud of the fact that we now have the ability to adapt to men's dishonesty.

Is one in which women will read that book and--instead of concluding that men who aren't into her are not worth her time--will go out and buy The Rules.

Is one in which if a woman wrote a book about how men should just be a bit more honest with themselves and others, it would tank.

Is one in which I can't wait to read this book.

Monday, September 27

Dumb Dreams and Moments of Weakness

I dreamt of him last night. Actually, I had a dream and he was in it.

You know those dreams where you wake up and do things that you would normally do if you actually woke up? I had one of those. I fell asleep on the couch and dreamt that I woke up, cleaned up and went to the bed. Unfortunately, Ex was there, waiting for me. He did the thing that he would always do...no matter how asleep he was, he would lean over and kiss me good night.

I woke up at 4:00am and realized none of that had happened.

I hate times like these because they remind me that I am not 100% okay. When I'm awake, I call these times Moments of Weakness. They are the times that I want to call him (and sometimes do), when my body misses his presence next to me. I guess I need to not beat myself up so much.

I just want to hurry up and be all right.

Sunday, September 26

How I Know I'm Not Over Ex

Even though every day I gain strength and distance, this is how I know that I'm not fully over Ex.
  1. I just came home from a night of clubbing at a really great place.
  2. I wore low rise, tight jeans and I looked great.
  3. I wore a backless, low cut, black top without a bra and looked even greater.
  4. I danced with a bunch of men, one of which offered to make me dinner.
  5. I had a wonderful time.
  6. I watched a dancing couple that seemed so comfortable with each other, and I longed for that for me.

The interesting thing is...as I imagined myself in the woman's place, I didn't have a clear image of who my dancing partner was. The only thing that was clear was that it wasn't Ex.

Thursday, September 23

The Mysterious Canadian Short Film

I saw the most fascinating film this afternoon. The way I randomly stumbled on to this film and the way it was so apt to my situation, made me wonder if there wasn't something or someone looking out for me.

I missed the opening credits so I don't know the name of the film, or the director. I can't remember the actors' names. It was a Canadian, indie film featured on IFC's Short Film Collection I.

It was a wonderfully simple film about the last day in the life of a relationship. The first shot I saw was a grainy close-up of a woman hysterically crying. Not Hollywood, pretty crying, but really bawling. The view is from her video camera. She's taping herself watching her partner leave her. He's waiting in front of a cab for a "proper" goodbye.

She is not giving him one. She grows frantic, throwing her body on the hood of the cab and grabbing at his ankles. Her only request: one more day. She just wants one more day to relive and tape all the moments of their relationship, so that she can experience them as the last time. He agrees but says definitively, "We're not going to fuck."

They spend to rest of the day re-enacting the intimate moments and patterns of their relationship, all while the video camera rolls. They read the paper and argue over the articles. They sing silly songs together. They watch a hockey game, relishing in how much they hate their favorite team. She performs a crazy dance to make him laugh. He washes her hair.

We learn that he's leaving her for another woman, a calmer woman. Actually, we don't learn that the other woman is calmer. That's just me projecting. Throughout the film, he is clearly the more restrained one. We learn that they were pregnant, but had an abortion. We learn that he will miss her, but he does not love her anymore.

The most fascinating thing to me about the film was the transformation both characters go through. By the next day, she's okay. I mean, she's still sad...in fact, sadness is the pervasive emotion throughout the film. But she's able to say goodbye at the end and he's the one that's confused. He still leaves, though.

I didn't cry throughout most of the film, though the film was good enough to elicit tears. I didn't cry when she was crying from her soul in front of the cab. I didn't cry when they pretended that they were still pregnant. I didn't cry when they ended up making love.

I cried when he asked her if she would be all right, and she responded with "Yes. A least once in a while."

I cried for her pain and her strength and her honesty. And my pain and my strength and my truth. I cried because I realized I didn't cry through the entire film. I cried because that meant I'm letting Ex go.

I wonder if I'll ever learn what the name of that film is. I wonder if I need to.

Wednesday, September 22

Letting Go

For the last year, I have been preparing for a major athletic event. It has been really hard, but I've been really dedicated to it. I wanted to do it for over two years I'm finally able to do it this year.

Except for the last few weeks. In that time, I have collapsed twice, and haven't trained at all the way I need to.

The actual event is in less than two months, and I finally admitted this weekend that I'm not ready. I could get ready, but that would require energy I honestly don't think I have.

I would so hate Ex if I had to cancel my participation in this event because of what he put me through. But how stupid would I be if I put myself through a really grueling day, ill-prepared, just to spite him?

If I cancelled this year, I could definitely do it next year. And taking this off my plate would remove a source of stress.
On the other hand, how great would I feel if, in spite of all this crap, I did this anyway. That would be so kick ass!


So I have to decide if it's time for me to let go of this.

Tuesday, September 21

Thank You, Ex

A couple of weeks ago, after yet another "difficult conversation," the details of which are actually too stupid to go into, Ex told me that he needed a break. We would only talk about stuff relating to the apartment. At the time, I was heartbroken. But now I think it's the best thing that's ever happened. I don't wait/hope that he'll call because I know he won't. Every time I have a moment of weakness, I just imagine Ex with Her, and I sober right up.

So thank you Ex, for taking a "break" from me. It was one of the most generous things you've ever done.


Trauma

I'm coming to peace with the notion that I might be traumatized by all the crap that's been going on with me. I didn't really want to embrace the thought for several reasons, primarily because I thought it would be an insult to those people who have been through the trauma that we all recognize as such: death of a parent, surviving a life-threatening accident. I know people who have been through both.

But there isn't a trauma pie or anything. Me taking my piece doesn't take a slice from someone else. And as I learned from doing some research, it's not the event that defines trauma, but one's reaction to it.

I also thought that by using the T word, it would weaken me. I'm trying to be strong and move on, wouldn't claiming this state make me a victim?

No, that's my answer. Owning all parts of me...even the weak parts, does nothing but make me stronger.

Ex had this cockamammy idea that the absence of sadness automatically equals happiness. Worse yet, he believed that idea is a Buddhist concept. For the record, Buddhism doesn't teach one to deny one's sadness. It teaches that all emotions should be observed without judgment. That practice will transcend happiness or sadness, it will create peace. I just have to remember that I'm right and he's wrong. I may be going through a trauma, but I know my Buddhism!

Friday, September 17

What About Me?

Every day I'm breathing a bit easier. And everyday I'm thinking a bit more clearly. I so wanted to write "clearer," but it's not grammatically correct. Curse the editor within!

These are some of the observations/questions I've come up with:
  1. The loss of the relationship isn't as upsetting to me as other things. Of course I miss Ex's presence. I miss the sex. I am confident that I will never sleep with him again. But the loss of a future with someone and the presence of Her upset me so much more than the actual break-up. I miss the potential of us. And I'm devastated by his betrayal.
  2. I fought long and hard to get in touch with my anger and not swallow it. In previous relationships, I would take any crap the guy would dish out because I didn't want to rock the boat. I finally thought I was okay because I was able to get into fights with Ex. But I have to work on how I actually express that anger. I can be pretty bitchy, though no man is ever allowed to say so. I am sarcastic, snarky, rude, and defensive. All of those things are par for the course with anger, but it doesn't help my cause. It allows the other person to write me off because I'm not staying on point. I believe a lot of this has to do with Ex in particular, but I want nip this in the bud, just in case it's a pattern.
  3. If issues of trust and respect were present for me from the very beginning, why didn't I walk away? I remember having conversations with Ex a year ago about his lack of empathy. Throughout our relationship I wondered what honesty meant for him when he would just hide ugly parts of his behavior...always for the sake of not rubbing it in other's faces. Yeah, right. So why didn't I walk away?
  4. When this first happened, talking to him felt good. It soothed me. Now, everytime we talk about anything at all, I feel shaky and naseous. On Monday, he said that he need a break from interacting with me. I really didn't want that, but now I'm thrilled by it.

I don't think I'm going to come to any conclusions about this soon. And I think this list will grow, so check back in.


Ode to My Licensed Professional

I love my therapist. I really do. She has been my therapist for almost three years and has helped me through some serious stuff. I have become such a better person with her help. I was constantly bombarded with the idea that therapy is overrated and is nothing but a crutch...wait a minute. Who am I trying to protect? Ex was the one that always bombarded me.

But I've always rejected that idea. Thank goodness, because I need all the help I can to get through this crap.

I learned during my last session that what upsets me even more than Her is the blatant lack of respect Ex showed me by bringing Her in his life without giving our relationship closure. This man that supposedly loves me showed such lack of humanity toward me.

Everytime he would do something totally rude, and I would talk to him about showing me respect, he would say that I need to look inside myself -- stop looking to him for things like respect. I chuckle looking back at the idiocy of Ex's logic.

Ironically, he ended up being right. I learned during my session that I need figure out why I think I deserve someone who would turn his disrespectful actions into my problem. I need to honor my own humanity enough to weed people like him out of my environment.

Of course it's a bit more complicated than that. For as many narcissistic, hurtful things that he's done, Ex has also been fantastic and supportive in other ways. My therapist reminded me that it's okay to be a little roller coaster-y now because of this duality and because I'm going through a break-up I didn't want, damn it!

I really appreciate my therapist and the role therapy has played in my life. I don't trust Ex anymore, but I have never doubted that my therapist has always had my best interest at heart.

Thursday, September 16

Donkey In a Well, My Ass!

Ex forwarded me this email about a donkey that fell down a well and his owner tried to bury him alive rather than pull him out. The donkey ended up shaking the dirt off his back, climbing on top of the resulting pile, and climbing out the well his own self. The moral: life throws crap at you. Shake it off and use it to move forward.

Great email, right?

Whatever. My response was (and still is), "Fuck you, Ex. How dare you send me this condescending email when you are the one throwing the crap on my back! I am confident that I do not need any life lessons from you."

Wednesday, September 15

The Key to My Salvation

I have found it! Yes, yes...I'm still reading What the Buddha Taught and I've started meditating more often, but an article in today's Washington Post and the book it references is going to be the true key to transcending this Hell I'm in.

Every woman:

  • who has tried to explain away totally unacceptable behavior just to keep a man around,
  • who has given guys nothing but the benefit of the doubt,
  • who truly believes that men are deeper than they know,
needs to read this article and buy this book.

My friend has always said that when a man is into you, he pursues you. I always thought she was just being bitter, but I'm coming around to her way of thinking. Does that mean I'm becoming bitter? Who cares? I'm feeling better about things right now! Not only will they pursue you, but they will make sacrifices to be with you. They will stop sleeping around, they will go out of their way to make you happy, they will not pursue other relationships while still in a relationship with you.

If they don't adjust for you in any way, then there is no point in pining for them because "they're just not into you."

This will be my new mantra.


Tuesday, September 14

Who the hell am I kidding?

...I'm going to be miserable forever.

That's how it feels.

What the Buddha Taught

So, I'm coming back from the brink...still going through slight anxiety attacks and still get extremely sad sometimes, but I'm coming back.

What's helping me is that I'm reacquainting myself with my Buddhist practice and (hopefully) involving myself in it a new way. I've started by reading What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula. Ironically, I bought this book not for my former Buddhist practice, but for a Buddhism class I took in undergrad.

Walpola Rahula, the author, was an Indian scholar who wrote this book in 1959. It is like a Buddhism 101 book, however what it isn't is a modern Buddhism-lite book written by a Westerner. As someone who has been a Buddhist for all of her life, I am slightly offended by the upsurge of books written in the last several years extolling the easiness of Buddhism. Buddhism is a simple, clear philosophy/religion, but it certainly isn't easy.

If I were to be a true Buddhist, I would have to release whatever anger I feel regarding Ex's completely selfish act (the timing of Her). I would have stop dwelling on my time with Ex, nor could I keep rehashing the last several weeks. Much of that sounds delightful.

But would I be a fool to relinquish my anger? By contacting Her while he was still away, before ending things with me, Ex basically said, "I don't have any respect for your feelings, Britt. Even though you were an important part of my life for over a year, I have no urge to honor that. I can do 'whatever the hell I want' and I will step on anyone who gets in my way, even you."

Maybe the way to go is to observe Ex's behavior, observe how angry that makes me, and take steps to avoid Ex. And who cares if I look like a fool? If letting go stops the anxiety attacks and the pain, I'll be a fool all the lifelong day.

I think the key is not confusing 'letting go' with 'approval.' I will never approve of what Ex did, and it will take me a while to forgive him, but I need to let what happened pass over me, "like a wave."

I will be a fool if I continue to interact with Ex as if he didn't hurt me. Ex will never be the same to me ever again.

Monday, September 13

Back from the Abyss

As you can tell by the six posts I wrote yesterday, Sunday was not a good day. Ex essentially moved out, I threw up, it was a mess.

And late last night as I lay in the biggest, emptiest bed of my life, I acknowledged that I went/am going a little crazy over all this. I shared this blog with my best friend for the first time last night and she said that she wasn't surprised by any of it...not really.

She's a smart cookie. And so am I.

So I'm wondering...have I been so blinded by my emotions that I couldn't see what was obvious? That despite our plans, despite the support, despite all the fun, Ex ultimately made me feel bad about myself? Is that obvious? I don't know yet.

I need to step back and get control of things. Not deny my feelings per say, but they can't have a free reign anymore. They are like teenagers, reacting so strongly to every piece of stimuli. They have no filtering system. Everything is the most important thing.

My feelings regarding Ex are on a time out.

Sunday, September 12

Regardless...

In spite of (or maybe in addition to) everything that has come before and everything that will come after, I miss Ex.

My Break-up Soundtrack

I was watching TV tonight and "I Haven't Got Time for the Pain" was playing. I realized that I'm not listening to enough sympathetic music through this process. I need singers who I've never met to tell me they know exactly how I feel. I want angry, yet melodic women to sing to me that I deserve better and fuck anyone who says different. I want to hear songs that say everything is going to be all right...that I'm going to be all right.

I need to change my running mix.

Ex Has Left the Building

Ex left the apartment tonight for his new job and new city. He left the apartment livid at me. Our last two hours together was spent in another "difficult conversation" (that term is now a dirty word with us). See Update on Her to see what we discussed.

It was all my doing. I have been in so much pain today, I wanted to lash out. But as soon as our voices got raised, I regretted it all. And at that point it was too late for him to hear "I'm sorry." And it was too late to for me to maintain any sense of being right. And it was too late for me to care.

I came to an epiphany today...I need to spend a great deal of time alone. At this point, I have never been more confused as to the purpose of relationships. What can I look for from my partner? What should I have within myself?

I can't see anything clearly anymore.

An Update on Her

I've learned more about Her.

Ex dated Her last summer when he was away for work (the same work thing that took him away this summer). Because we had just started dating when he went away last year, we instituted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding dating other people.

He contacted Her a few times when he came back to New York.

He made a decision that he didn't want me anymore on a Sunday. He emailed Her that day. If he had his druthers, he would have pursued something with Her for the last three weeks of his time away and wouldn't have told me that we were broken up until he came back.

It didn't work that way...luckily. (See Once Upon a Time...)

Ex finally admitted that he fucked up, and he asked me what good does it do me to hear that. I am still shocked that he had the nerve to ask me that question, but have to wonder...what good does it do? What is the point of knowing all this? To prove that Ex's an asshole? Done. But if I'm not willing to accept that and act accordingly, then what's the point of proving he's an asshole?

I need to let go of Her. Her presence in my life is destroying me. I am literally going crazy trying to figure this out. I'm going to turn into my friend who ended up internet stalking the woman who ruined her marriage.

I am going to throw up again I am in so much pain.

Violent Reaction

Over brunch this afternoon, Ex informed that he would be coming back in town next weekend after his first week of work, but not in order to teach the class he leads every Friday.

When I asked him if it was for other business, he said it was because Her was coming for a visit.

I then proceeded to the bathroom and threw up. I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

Ex's lesson from this: "I should have lied."

Why do I love him?

To-Do List

  1. Get angry at Ex...if only for a little while. I need to get over the hump of still wanting him and anger will help me do that.
  2. Reconnect with my Buddhist practice. About a year ago, I left my Buddhist practice because the sect that I had grown up with no longer fed my spiritual needs. (That story is for another post entirely.) I have dabbled in other forms, primarily Zen, but haven't practiced consistently in quite a while. I need to reconnect with my spiritual center. I think that is part of the reason why I feel so schizophrenic. And why I'm so easily thrown by the idea of Her.
  3. Focus on why this relationship didn't work. If I do that, I will miss it less.

Saturday, September 11

The Thing that Upsets Me the Most

It's Her. I have realized a pattern. The thing that will always get me to crying, the thing that makes me soooo mad is Her. The fact that Her exists. The fact that he calls Her, that he's seen Her and is probably planning on seeing Her again.

That he loves Her.

Like right now, I'm crying profusely just writing this post.

"Ex and I are no longer in a relationship. We are not going to spend our lives together." That statement makes my heart hurt and makes me frown.

"Ex has begun a relationship with Her, an insecure bitch who doesn't mind taking someone's sloppy seconds. Her gets to share her life with Ex." This statement puts me in a tailspin everytime.

Is this because I have no control over Her? Is this because the presence of Her makes me a fool?

To Be an Asshole or Not To Be an Asshole


...that's the question, isn't it?

My good friend says that Ex is an asshole, hands down. The fact that he made Her a factor in this break-up puts him in that category. I do not disagree.

But does his tacky, trifling, hurtful, cowardly behavior wipe out a year and a half of a predominantly loving relationship?

Ex has apologized for his horrific timing with Her. He has tried to be sensitive to what I'm going through. And when I went to the ER, he was there for me 100%. Not an asshole.

Ex went away with Her less than a month after the break-up...while I was still living in the apartment with him. An asshole.

Another friend, who recently ended her 1 1/2-year relationship has shed no tears. Her philosophy is that no energy should be spent on a man who doesn't treat you well. In other words, an asshole. That would be Ex.

And what does that say about me? I never thought of myself as the type of woman who would love an asshole...yet according to the logic above, I do. So if I'm not that type of woman, then Ex isn't an asshole. Just a confused, idiotic man.

Am I just defending him? He has hurt me really badly. Ex and I built something real. He couldn't handle it and bailed into the arms of another woman. That's a pretty crappy thing to do. Definitely the sign of an asshole.

And what's the point of this debate anyway? It doesn't change the fact that it's over.

Breaking Up is such a Party Pooper

Right now I'm feeling pretty damn depressed. It's all because I heard Ex talk about his trip to New Orleans with Her to the architects who are renovating his apartment. No...it's because I heard Ex whisper to the architects not to talk about his trip to New Orleans in front of me. In was in that moment that I felt totally humiliated. It didn't help that he was flirting with the female architect and she was loving every moment of it.

I thought I would go out, then. Just get the hell out of the apartment, but I forgot my cell phone. I came back up to get it, and he was already on the phone with Her. He didn't even pretend to stop talking when I came in. I left, got about five blocks, and realized that all I wanted to do was curl up on my bed and cry...and post. So I turned around and came home. He was still on the phone with Her. He probably still is.

This is the same man who stayed by my side all day yesterday and took care of me.

So, is the fact that my mood can fall so fast mean that the moments I feel good aren't real? Am I just kidding myself that I'm going to be okay? Because all I want to do is cry...I want to curl up in Ex's arms and cry.

Friday, September 10

Context Clues

Remember in middle school when you learned how to devise the meaning of a word by studying the words around it? Well, that skill helps you in more places than just the SATs. (Do they even take the SAT's anymore?)

Let me give a little background: I am still living in the Ex's place. I'm in the process of buying an apartment and he is adamant that this break-up doesn't jeopardize that process. Putting down first and last month's rent and security deposit and paying rent again would definitely jeopardize that process. Ex is also on his way to a new job in a different city. He won't be living there very much, if at all. It's an odd situation and it's sometimes painful, but I prefer it to giving up on purchasing an apartment, even temporarily.

So until next week, we're still living together for all intents and purposes. The nights are the most difficult; the sexual tension is always palpable. He had no problem not touching me when we were dating, but now that we're broken up, he can't stay away.

I can only judge him to a certain point, I give in about one-third of the time.

Yesterday was one of those times.

I spent yesterday in the emergency room after I collapsed at work. My co-worker asked if there was someone I could call...Ex was the only person I could think of.

He stepped up to the plate, big time. He called all the people that aren't too happy with him, my parents, my best friend. He came straight to the hospital and stayed there the whole time. After I got discharged, he wouldn't let me out of his sight.

When we got home, we had sex. I will explore the reasons for this in a later post.

Anyway, my body hasn't changed all that much since we broke up, but Ex couldn't get over how good I looked. He called me "hot," a term he has never used.

During our lovemaking, he seemed so damn grateful...

I used context clues to realize that he's not hot for Her. Her may not fight with him ever, but he's not turned on by Her. I'm sure they had sex over their weekend together, but it wasn't good. I know Ex well enough to know that he's gets happy with the idea that he's turned on...the way women fall in love with being in love.

I can't help it...this makes me happy. I'm not happy because he wants me...I'm happy because karma is a bitch! Because Ex is already suffering for the choices he's made. Not in the way I want him to suffer, but I'll take it for now until the real grief settles in. I'll be really thrilled when I don't succumb to him anymore and he's stuck with a complacent Her who lives across the country and boring sex. Is that evil of me? Probably. It's not very Buddhist of me, that's for sure.

I'll be ecstatic when I don't care whether he suffers or not.

My challenge is not to confuse Ex's sexual desire with a desire to get back together. I have to remind myself of what happened yesterday morning. The instant I tried to talk about something serious, he literally rolled his eyes and exhaled dramatically...just like a little kid (see the Fully Grown entry).

My response: "Real mature, Ex."

Wednesday, September 8

Fully Grown

One of the reasons I fell in love with Ex was because I thought he was fully grown. He was in his late thirties, had experienced life and love, knew what he wanted. He was looking for a partner.

The more I think about it, though, and the more I look at how he's dealt with this break-up, the more I see that he isn't all that grown up. In some ways, he is definitely mature. He has a specific view of the world that comes from experience.

But Ex is a real baby in other ways.
  1. He has a horrible temper that he cannot control. Every time he gets angry, he goes on the attack, even if he wasn't actually wronged.
  2. When he gets angry, he stops listening completely .
  3. He is extremely sensitive to being silenced. Ex is prone to repeat himself...often. I think it's because he likes to hear himself talk, actually. I had a bad habit of cutting him off when I got the point. That act put him in a rage and he would then proceed to baby behavior #1.
  4. He is arrogant in a way that sometimes borders on petulance. He honestly believes that he doesn't have anything to improve on. He'll read Buddhist texts and see how they apply to everyone but him. He has said to me, "I can do whatever the hell I want!" Often this comment came after I told him that he was not allowed to point a finger in my face or some similar disrespectful act. Everytime he said that, I was reminded of my 10-year-old brother. I never knew why. It just sounded like the words of a temper tantrum.
  5. He wants what he can't have. The night before he headed to a vacation with Her, he tried to have sex with me. When we were together, he barely wanted to touch me.
  6. He is lazy. He has changed careers several times. The moment of change always came when he was challenged and had to prove his worth. At that point, he would revert to baby behavior #4 and he would justify to himself why it's the employer's fault for not appreciating him enough.
  7. Every reason he's told me he wants to end the relationship has to do with the fact that he's challenged. He wants a woman who "gets wet by just being in the room with me." I don't care how hot you are...I need foreplay. He wants a woman who goes with the flow more. My attention to detail cannot be turned on and off. He wants someone more supportive, someone who will help him out just because. This may be my issue, but I see that as martyrdom and I'm not interested.
  8. His ideal relationship is the one his parents had. But he's never experienced that relationship through adult eyes. Ex's father passed away when he was very young.
  9. His ideal woman is his mother...another martyr. A woman who has told me that she's tired of being everyone's support line. He has actually put his mother and the way he would like me to dress in the same sentence.
  10. He cannot stand to be alone. Less than three days after he decided to end our relationship, he called Her.

I am realizing that I am not better than Ex. I'm accomplishing things in my life I could not have without him. But I am beginning to believe that I am stronger than Ex. I cry and curl up on the sofa as often as I laugh with friends. I may be confused about my feelings, but I'm not afraid of them.

That's the ultimate sign of adulthood.


Once Upon a Time...

I should explain what happened. As honestly as I can. Some things no one knows...I'm tired of keeping secrets for him and from me.

Ex and I were in love. We connected almost immediately. We wanted the same things, we had similar views of the world, we had things we could teach each other. We moved in together in November, after dating seven months. We had been in love forever. We ran our house like a well-oiled machine. We were great partners.

But we fought. And as time passed, our fights became more and more vicious. He called me a "bitch." On two separate occasions. I told him I need a "real man," the implication being that he wasn't one. He has turned my words spoken in tenderness against me. I often disregarded his entire argument with sarcasm. We yelled...a lot.

The fight rarely stayed on the topic that brought it up in the first place. It turned into a fight about patterns of behavior, character flaws, modes of (mis)communication. The good thing was the fights never lasted long. By the next day, we were always all right. We always got back to the initial issue and resolved it.

Our problem wasn't that we had issues, but that we didn't know how to communicate them to each other. We agreed that we needed help from an outside source. We agreed to fly to another city and attend a relationship workshop.

Oh...a residual effect of all the fighting was that our sex life was not stellar. The times that we did have sex it was great, but there was no more passion. Ex told me he wasn't attracted to my body type (I didn't have enough ass). He said I didn't dress feminine enough. He said the all the fighting left him in the mood-less.

I did not suffer from this at all. I was always hot for Ex. He's got skin the color of mocha mixed with the red clay of Alabama. He is lean, tight...taut. I was very satisfied. So what if he was proud of the fact that he still owned sweaters from when he was in college? We had different fashion sense, so what? It's what's underneath the clothes that counts.

But of course the lack of sex drive became my issue...how could it not? I could tell that he wanted me less and less. Our sex became about saying we've had sex than about Ex actually wanting to touch me. I became more timid, in and out of bed.

This summer, he went away for work. I told him I was tired of doing all the work for a problem that wasn't mine. Ex said he would see a therapist while away.

The result of his therapy was the realization that he needed a relationship with more peace. That the frequency of the fighting was too much. "The best relationship he ever had" (Ex's direct quote) wasn't good enough. We never made it to that relationship workshop.

He told me all this on the phone and in one long email.

He came home and it was like the break-up never happened. We said we were broken up all the time. We certainly didn't act like it. I don't remember the last time we had sex that hot.

Then I found out about Her.

I had inklings of Her well before I truly found out about Her. When I had seen him in July, he was distant in a whole new way. I went to check my email on his laptop and found Her name typed in as the last person at that website.

So how did I find out the whole truth? I went through his Sent Items folder in his email. It is by far the lowest thing I have ever done. Friends tell me it's understandable considering what I'm going through, but that doesn't help me forgive myself.

I saw so many things in his email:

  • flirtatious emails to a woman he did a business deal with,
  • a "good to see you" email to The Ex-girlfriend, the one he says he should have married
And email upon email to Her. Telling her that he missed her, calling her a sexy nickname, speaking of loving her, inviting her to vacation with him over the long weekend.

The walls of the fantasy world crumbled right in front of me. I felt like my guts were being scooped out of me. It was over.

The truth came out. He told me Her was another ex-girlfriend. Ex reconnected with Her while he was still away. She was more peaceful. They could have difficult conversations without raising their voices. He told me that Her had nothing to do with me. "I decided to break up with you on a Sunday. I called her afterward."

But Ex actually told me of his decision on a Wednesday, so he talked to Her before he told me the truth.

It became one of our vicious fights. He called me "stupid." I called him "dumb." He compared me to Her. It was over.

He still wants to be friends...I want to be his friend. It hurts. It hurts when I don't talk to him. It hurts when I do. God, it's over.

Monday, September 6

Schizophrenic

That's how I'm feeling these days. I go from feeling hopeful and confident to hollow and sad in a matter of minutes. It's a very odd time for me right now. I just turned 30 years old, I'm in the process of buying an apartment, I'm changing careers and I've been dumped. All of which makes me feel a bit roller coaster-y.

For example, I spent the holiday weekend at the Hamptons with three other fabulous black women. It was wonderful for several reasons:
  • I was surrounded by encouragement, support and love.
  • We ate and drank a lot...and well!
  • I felt smug because my ex-boyfriend always wanted to go the Hamptons and he's never been.

I got out of the car at the end of the weekend feeling refreshed, empowered, and strong. I came home and had to talk to Ex (I think that's what I'll call him). I immediately curled up on the couch and cried.

I'm tired. I want to be done. I want to fully embrace all that my Buddhist upbringing taught me and let go so I can move on. However, according to my licensed professional, one of my strengths is that I fully experience my emotions, so I'm not one to pretend I'm okay when I'm not.

Damn it!


Trying This Out

I am going through a break-up. I have loved (and still love) a man for a year and a half and now it's over...just like that. I am living in the home that we have shared for the last nine months, even though we are no longer together. More on that later.

And I don't know what to do with myself. I can't bring myself to write it out in my journal, but I am always in front of a computer. So I decided to move my journal online.

We'll see how it goes.